Dear Meghan: We have a 4-year-old who acts out (shouts, doesn’t listen to teachers well) at his preschool. There have been several times when teachers said he acts aggressively toward other kids and doesn’t show any signs of concern or empathy. Other parents have expressed concerns about him when their children tell them how their day was.
This is very troubling to us because he is usually a pretty sweet kid at home. He is an only child and spends a lot of time with his two parents and grandparents, who are very close by. We are wondering whether this is normal and what we should do. How do you teach empathy, or is it too early to expect that in any real way? We’re feeling concerned, worried and are not sure what to do. Thank you!
— Worried
Worried: Of course you are concerned; it isn’t fun to hear these stories from teachers and parents, especially when you aren’t seeing it at home. And you are asking a critically important question when it comes to empathy. Can it be taught and how?
As child psychologist Gordon Neufeld describes it, empathy is composed of two parts: caring (which all children have) and consideration (which almost no young children have). Young children, generally under 5 years old, are largely dealing with experiencing one big emotion at a time. When a 2-year-old is happy, they are completely happy. And when they don’t get their way, they are completely unhappy. There isn’t consideration, ambivalence or thoughtfulness about another person’s point of view. Neufeld says almost all children care, but being considerate of others takes years. And empathy is something that emerges from an emotionally and physically safe environment, not from teaching, punishing or enacting consequences to teach a lesson.
So if you can’t teach empathy, what else can you do for your son? You have some important data points that are worth exploring. For instance, your son is a sweet kid at home, is a singleton and spends most of his time with adults (parents and grandparents). This is all fabulous! I am thrilled that your son is getting so much love from the adults in his life. This could tell me that your son may not be accustomed to experiencing many “no’s” in his life. Sharing, waiting his turn, listening to others, putting up with others’ peccadillos may very well lead to a quick build in frustration and poof! Aggression. Aggression is a sign that his system has reached its limit of frustration, and that leads me to this question: Where does your son need support in experiencing frustration?
The job isn’t to force him into empathy (because that has never, ever worked with any human), rather it is to help him experience his big feelings and lead toward other options. It is okay to want your way or to not like something! How can your son express that? I would recommend that your son play with more children outside of school. Work on gently frustrating him outside of school and help him work through these hard feelings without blame or shame. Simply going to your local park will help your son experience the rough and tumble of other children, and I would also recommend short and well-watched play dates. You can facilitate sharing, taking turns and […]
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