— The Talk
The Talk: Thank you so much for writing in; I love that you’re thinking about this! It is a loaded topic these days in American schools and always has been. The variety of what is taught (puberty to LGTBQ+ topics to sexuality), what ages you begin (elementary or high school) and the frequency with which the curriculum is taught varies state to state, even county to county. Because of these complicating factors, it is difficult for me to point you to strong data about the efficacy of sex-ed programs (watched in school or at home), but let’s start with some common sense.
Puberty and sexuality, which are clearly linked, are not quite the same. Puberty is the physical transition in the body in early teen or tween years; the changes are triggered by hormones. Sexuality concerns itself with more of the psychological and social side of development, and this is where romance and different expressions of sexuality come into play.
A tween or teen can feel so out of control during puberty, so the more information they have from a trusted adult, the more relaxed and confident they can feel. Whether you choose to have your child watch a video at school or at home is less important to me than the continued conversation that is happening at home. Helping your child understand their growing body isn’t scandalous or secretive; it’s science (like talking about their heart or brain), and the younger and more frequently you discuss it, the easier it is.
You mention that you are open about this topic, so I would ask your child what they think. “Chris, there is a video at school discussing puberty, your hormonal changes, and topics related to sex. What are the pros and cons of watching it in school?” I like a pros and cons question because, like most of life, the answer is rarely black and white.
Your child may be curious about the questions their friends ask, they may wonder about the details that may be added or they may be worried about feeling left out. Conversely, your child may balk at watching something so intimate with their friends and would prefer to just watch and discuss it with their parents. If a child isn’t accustomed to talking about puberty and sex with their parents, you will need to be patient when it comes to the topic. Like introducing a new food to a baby, lots of small, low-stakes conversations are best, focusing more on listening and making room for the child rather than delivering a lecture.
Again, both watching the videos at school or at home are options, but even just a conversation about the options is a powerful reminder that your child has an inner voice and the power to think for themselves. By providing the space for a thoughtful conversation, you are setting an example of listening and consideration.
Either way, please chat with your partner (if applicable) about the values and messages you would like to add to […]
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