Is it unreasonable to expect them to spend an hour or two a day playing without a parent or the TV? When is it developmentally appropriate for kids to play alone?
— Played Out
Played Out: Thanks for writing, this is indeed a tough problem. On one hand, you are parenting young children and it is developmentally appropriate for them to need and want a parent; on the other, if they lead the play and make commands (especially the 5-year-old), you are going to find the play more prescriptive.
To begin, every child is unique and has their own temperament. Even with the developmental milestones, some children are more attention and sensory seeking than others. And you have two children, so this is doubly true. I have found that temperament scales can offer some keen insights. While not the be-all, end-all of understanding your child, they can be especially helpful when it seems that you and your child are so different.
It is unreasonable to believe that your 2½-year-old can entertain themselves for very long periods of time. Their entire purpose in life right now is to play, cry and attach to you, with the last being the most important. This does wane as children get older, but it would be developmentally inappropriate for a 2-year-old to create their own play and stick with it for long. Your best bet is to run that 2-year-old like a puppy and make them as tired as humanly possible. A tired 2-year-old is easier to parent, so structure your days around being outside in fresh air and moving.
Your 5-year-old is in a very different developmental stage. You report she is intensely imaginative and her play is far more detailed. Imagination is amazing, but she can hold you captive with it. These are not problems, per se, but demands, prescriptions and frustration are already an issue and will lead to more resentment on your part. What can you do?
The first step is structure, structure and more structure. You don’t need to become militant about it, but I would begin with a family meeting, especially for the 5-year-old. Review that schedule for the day (always in a visual way) and offer choices where appropriate. In the schedule, you are going to build special time with each child, and for the 5-year-old, you can do as long as you want to or can muster. I’ve spent 10 minutes building train tracks and I’ve spent 60 minutes dressing Calico Critters, and both were time well spent (and sometimes torturous). You need to reflect on what you can realistically do; don’t be a hero. Put the time into the schedule, and point it out to the kids. “We will play family or whatever you want for X amount of time after lunch. I am so excited!” At the start of the special time, set a timer that you both can […]
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