Hi, Meghan: Our 15-year-old son’s life revolves around computer games and screens. He has made unauthorized charges on his father’s credit card to make video-game-related purchases. When he got caught, we took his computer and phone away. Instead of apologizing and showing remorse, he sent horrible texts to his father about what terrible parents we are.
We are also having difficulties with him on school work. He has attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and wants nothing to do with school. He lies about his pending school work to get away with not doing it. We signed him up for an online SAT prep course, but we found out that he was just playing on his computer when he was telling us he was attending the course. It is extremely difficult to believe anything he says.
We try to explain why we do certain things in a rational way, but it does not work; he only sees his side and thinks we are being unfair, no matter what we tell him. He is manipulative, acts entitled and we fear he could be a pathological liar. We feel helpless on how to respond to his unacceptable behaviors and course correct.
— Helpless
Helpless: Thank you for writing in; you are not alone in the struggle of parenting a teen who is glued to gaming, but as I read your letter, the layers of problems came tumbling in. As a former teen who would not be controlled, I have some empathy for your son here. Yes, he made unauthorized purchases and he needs to be held accountable for those, but I understand why he isn’t responding the way you would like.
Your son’s ADHD explains much of this behavior, including the texts and lying, as each behavior builds on itself. It is common for the ADHD mind to not think far down the line (“Dad will be mad if I use this credit card without asking”) and, instead, the instant gratification of the game takes precedence over good judgment. Impulsiveness leads to a bad decision; the decision leads to getting caught and punishment; the punishment leads to shame; and the shame leads to anger, lying and explosiveness. It is easy to feel as though our teens don’t care, but this invisible disability makes the teen’s good intentions difficult to carry forward. And it isn’t about willpower, hence your son’s defensiveness and anger. Adam Pletter, a therapist specializing in adolescents and technology, said your son’s defiance “may be indicative of untreated and/or inadequately treated ADHD, potentially compounded by clinical oppositional/defiant behaviors.”
Getting more insight on your son’s diagnosis is your first step. “My clear recommendation is to talk with a local trusted medical provider and perhaps seek an evaluation with a mental health specialist to scaffold his emerging independence and developing executive-functioning skills,” Pletter said. These executive-functioning skills (thinking ahead, considering many options, slowing down, etc.) must be developed and grown in a container of loving trust and compassion. To create this environment, please seek a therapist, join ADHD parenting groups, pick up some books and listen to podcasts — these will expand your education and empathy and will help you work through your own frustration and anger.
The last thing I want to do is pile on you; it isn’t your fault that your son has ADHD (nor do I see ADHD as a problem). However, nearly everything you list is hurting your relationship with your son. You know he hates school, yet you doubled down and signed him up for an SAT prep class (it sounds like without his agreement). This decision jumps over his emerging need for independence as well as his glaring need for more support in how he feels about school. Explaining your decisions in a “rational way” means nothing when you strip your teen of choice. If you are interpreting your son’s frustrations to mean he is manipulative, entitled and a pathological liar (yikes), you are going to meet resistance that will never get better. Your job isn’t to get him to take an SAT course; it is to understand his unmet […]
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