Dear Meghan: How can I help my husband stay connected to our kids ages 11, 13 and 15? Our kids are pulling away, as is developmentally appropriate, and he feels personally offended that they’re not as close. He ignores the fact that he and the 15-year-old practically have their own language based in movie quotes, or he’s where our 13-year-old turns to when she and I butt heads.
He remembers being able to talk to his grandparents (who raised him) about anything, but because the relationships aren’t the same, he’s been withdrawing. I think that we have much closer relationships with our kids than most other families we know, but he’s stuck mourning their idealized younger years. I want to make sure he’s not missing out on the next 3, 5 and 7 years!
— Staying Present
Staying Present: Thank you for writing in; it’s fairly typical to mourn this developmental stage. It’s parenting whiplash; one day you have a sweet 10-year-old, and then the storms begin, seemingly out of nowhere. You don’t know why or how it happens, but it is easy to feel locked out of their lives.
The hard truth is that you are not going to persuade your husband to stop mourning, nor are you going to make sure he isn’t missing out. I would love the power to control other people (it would make my work so much easier), but here is one thing I know: We cannot make people do what we want — our children and our spouses, especially. I know how painful this is, because what you are seeing is clear. To you. But you aren’t grieving something; he is.
If your husband is perpetually feeling personally offended by his children, if he is frequently ignoring the facts that he has connections with the kids, and he is often withdrawing from the family, you have someone who is truly struggling. Notice that I used the words “perpetually,” frequently,” and “often” on purpose; it matters if this is a daily or weekly occurrence. If he is offended here and there, and occasionally needs to withdraw, these may be healthy emotions and coping mechanisms. So, before you begin awfulizing and storytelling about the missed years ahead, tally up how bad it really is. It could be the case that you are extra-sensitive to his sensitivity, making you hypervigilant and anxious. For instance, if you grew up in a family where people ignored you to punish you, when your husband withdraws, you could unconsciously start to panic.
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