After practice, I told him that his behavior upset me and was making coaching not fun for me. He seemed to take our conversation to heart, but I’m not really confident that anything will change. I know he isn’t intentionally trying to upset me, but I’m not sure what type of strategy to use to shut it down.
— Coach
Coach: Thank you for writing in; you are not alone in having a coaching experience go south. There is a reason parents drop out of coaching their children’s teams: It stops being fun! I know you want a strategy to shut it down, but I also want to zoom out so you can understand your son’s behavior.
It can feel pretty embarrassing when an 8-year-old is rude to you in front of their friends, especially when you are supposed to be in charge of the kids. Kudos to you for realizing that he isn’t trying to intentionally upset you. Your son doesn’t want to be rude to you (at least not yet). As child psychologist Ross Greene says, “kids do well if they can,” and this mantra will help you as you move forward. Greene’s approach to parenting assumes the best intentions of the child, uses collaboration (rather than control) and considers the needs of both the child and the parent.
To help with the immediate rudeness, I suggest using Greene’s Collaborative and Proactive Solution model. Using Greene’s book or worksheets, call a meeting with your son and say: “I have noticed that there’s some difficulty staying serious, remaining quiet and following instructions during practice. What’s up with this?” You’ve already spoken to him about this, so he may be defensive or silent, but patiently wait for him to talk. He may, in all truth, not know why he is being disruptive, so you can make some guesses: “Do you like making your friends laugh? Are you bored?” Stay curious rather than judgmental, and you may learn some interesting information. Use the worksheets to fully understand your son’s point of view.
After you learn about your son’s perspective, it is your turn to state your needs. “My concern is that when you interrupt or joke around, it distracts from the practice, getting work done, and it doesn’t help the other players learn the sport. Do you understand my concerns?” Give your son some time to think about it, and then move on to problem-solving. “I wonder if there is a way to (insert son’s concerns) and have me coach with less disruption?” Wait and see what he offers; you may be surprised by […]
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