Dear Meghan: I have become a stepmom over the past four years and love my new family. We generally function together well and enjoy spending time together. However, I find my fiancé to be overindulgent with his daughter — despite his claims that he isn’t. I often find myself in the role of saying no (to desserts with no veggies or to more toys or art supplies) or pushing back on her requests (she does not need a “chill” day after doing nothing the previous two; she needs to put down the screen and pick up a book or skateboard or anything).
As a result I’ve become resentful of my partner who claims he also tells her no or supports me but still he ends up being the nice parent. I feel like I already have the wicked label of step-mom but I don’t actually want to be wicked. I just don’t want to be overindulgent because of a divorce!
— Not Wicked
Not Wicked: Whoo boy, being a great stepparent can feel like walking a tightrope: on one hand, you want to stay true to your values and rules, but on the other, you don’t want to overstep, make assumptions, and become controlling and resentful. I am happy to hear that you mostly function well together, but we need to find the middle ground between doing nothing and doing so much that you become more resentful. One thing I can promise you is that time alone isn’t going to fix this problem. Before there is an actual marriage, you need to iron out the communication with your fiancé.
I wish I knew how old your stepdaughter is, but, regardless, this letter has little to do with her. It has everything to do with the communication you have (or don’t) with your fiancé. You report his indulgences (desserts, toys, art supplies, inactivity) and loose boundaries, but I don’t know where his laissez-faire attitude lands in terms of meeting his daughter’s needs versus annoying you. Up until four years ago, I am guessing your fiancé was successfully raising his daughter without you, so you need to put your role into some perspective. If your fiancé was a wretched father, I imagine you wouldn’t want to be attached to him in any way, let alone marry him. Also, I don’t know what his daughter needs out of a parent. Every parent gets to decide what feels right for their own family, and there may be reasons he parents the way he does and, as the fiancé, you may want to recheck your parenting role here.
Or he spoils his daughter because he feels guilty due to a divorce, and doesn’t want to deal with the tantrums and fallout of saying “no.” If this is the case, he wouldn’t be the first parent to do it. Shame and guilt temporarily disappear when we make our children smile with small treats and ignored boundaries, and it quickly morphs into a habit. By becoming the “mean” cop in the family, you’ve unconsciously supported this dynamic.
What should you do? Schedule time to meet with your fiancé, not after work or when you’re tired. Start a conversation and say, “So, I have noticed that I am always nagging Maryam about eating veggies before desserts, or getting outside instead of sitting on screens. It is starting to feel like you and I are working against each other, and I really don’t want that. How do you see what is happening?” And then sit and listen. Listen to […]
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