Dear Meghan: My son, 3, has a cousin “Max,” 5, who has autism. Max is a sweet, funny, happy boy who has made great strides in the last two years with his social development. However, he can still be quite possessive of toys, sometimes has trouble interacting with other kids and can have meltdowns.
My son has started to say that he “doesn’t like Max” because he perceives that Max doesn’t play as nicely with him as his other cousins. Do I try to explain to my son that Max is different? Or let them navigate their relationship on their own? I’m torn between trying not to “other” Max and treating him the same as other cousins/friends, and trying to help my son understand why Max acts differently.
— Torn
Torn: Thank you for writing in; it is typical to feel a bit lost when helping young children work, live and play together regardless of whether a diagnosis is involved. Helping these children grow up together will require patience and a willingness to allow lots of feelings to coexist.
It isn’t just your nephew who is in a tough space developmentally; at 3 years old, your son is in his own developmental stage that makes sharing difficult. Your child is most likely also not sharing or, if he is, he isn’t enjoying it. During toddler years, a child is learning that they are a real person, and before they can consider other people’s feelings, they must wrestle with their own.
It is easy in our culture to “other” the child with obvious differences (in this case, autism), but this absolves us of our own need for growth. I am weary of the dancing around we do to keep up the appearance of the ever-elusive “normal.” Let’s just work with what is front of us, with both children. Because of the ages of the children in your letter, I think you know that they are not old enough to “navigate their relationship on their own.” There
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isn’t one right thing to say or do; your son’s and Max’s growth will ebb and flow over the years, but if you stay steady, both children will be better for having each other.
As for what you should do, I turned to Yolanda Williams — a parenting coach who specializes in positive discipline, a racial justice educator, and a mother to a child on the autism spectrum — for more insight. She suggests supervising the kids’ playdates so you can remind your son that it’s okay if Max doesn’t feel like sharing or explain to him that it’s okay if Max isn’t very responsive.
Williams also says it’s okay to encourage Max to share, but if he’s resistant, lead your son to pick another toy. “Max is not capable of navigating the relationship as neurotypical kids are. He will naturally be ‘othered’ because he is different and small kids notice differences, which is why adults have to intervene and advocate for disabled children by accommodating their needs and teaching their children to do the same,” Williams says. “There is nothing wrong with being disabled or different, but when you don’t speak […]
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