My general rule is I will help her but not unless she has at least tried on her own. This often leads us to frustrating impasses. I’ve tried talking to her when things are calm. We’ve discussed that her coaches and I give her challenges we think she is ready for — not impossible ones! — and how if she doesn’t think she can do it, she’s setting herself up for failure. I often say, “We can do hard things.” I’ve also honestly told her my patience for doing these activities, which are hobbies she enjoys and wants me to do with her, is limited if she behaves like this. She always insists she wants to continue said activities though generally tunes out of my “hard things” pep talks.
Do I just keep on? Is there anything else I can try? I hate to withdraw from these activities because I hope the exposure to frustration will eventually build some tolerance.
— Quitting
Quitting: Just reading this letter leaves me frustrated; that’s a lot of back and forth. And I get it: With a typical kid, all of the tricks you’ve been using may work. You let her try on her own, and then help. You’ve tried talking to her when she’s calm. You’ve told her you and her coaches only give her challenges you think she can handle. You give her pep talks. You’ve told her about your own frustration. This perfectionism has been happening for years, so my curiosity is around whether she started whining and then the power struggles began, whether there’s another issue that needs more support (anxiety, neurodiversity, other challenges) or whether it’s a combination (which is most likely the case).
Let’s begin with the basics and stop doing what isn’t working. I would guess there is too much talking happening here. When we talk endlessly at and to our children, they tune out (which you’re already experiencing). No one — adults or children — takes in a lecture or pep talk if they don’t feel understood first, and it could be that your daughter doesn’t have a lot of room to be frustrated. Are there techniques and ways to help her? Sure, but none of them will work until you stop lecturing her and start listening to her.
Try listening more and you may find solutions in her complaints. If you begin mirroring her emotions — “So, this task feels impossible to do” or “You feel like no one will help you” — she may begin to relax enough for you to say: “So, tell me what would change if someone helped you?” or “What about this task feels impossible?” Maybe she won’t have an answer or maybe, just maybe, your daughter will give you a response that makes sense! While I get the “waiting to help her until she tries once” rule, you actually don’t need to adhere to that. It’s not building the resilience you want to see.
If your daughter is suffering from anxiety or another challenge, […]
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