I last saw my children in 2007 (ages 16 and 12) and last spoke to my son 10 years ago. I sent gifts, cards, texts and made calls, but nothing helped close the divide. I was forbidden to attend their graduations or weddings. Should I just give up?
A: Thanks for writing in. For whatever reason, estranged family dynamics are a hot topic these days, and I am seeing more questions about them than usual. Your question to me is, “Should I just give up?” and my first impulse is, “No, don’t.” Estranged or not, dead or alive, your parents are always your parents, and the unresolved issues around parents and children can linger for years and generations, causing harm and mayhem. (See: why we have therapy.) Even if reconciliation is not in the cards, it is worthwhile to try to connect in a way that involves more awareness, more consideration and more personal responsibility. It is not the easy path, but it is the middle ground between “sending gifts” and totally throwing in the towel.
So, I think the question isn’t simply, “Should I just give up?” Instead, it could be, “What do my children need to hear from me?” Obviously, I have no idea what really happened in your family, because surely there is more to this than “my two children were told my new marriage would never last.” Yes, children’s minds can be poisoned and heavily influenced by other parents, but what else went wrong to cause this separation? Your honest assessment of looking back could yield the answers you need.
For instance, were your children pushing back on your new marriage (fueled by others’ influence), and then the arguing began? Did your children become angry about the disruptive split-parenting and new marriages? Or maybe they pulled away and, feeling protective of your new marriage, you allowed them to go? I am making guesses because what I do know for sure is that your relationship with your children is based on much more than just your remarriage.
Most family therapists who specialize in estrangement will tell you that something deeper needs to be stated out in the open, accounted for and apologized for — and your “gifts, cards, texts and made calls” aren’t enough. Holiday cards with nice sentiments are lovely, but if your child wants their pain to be acknowledged or they need to hear a sincere apology to even crack open the door, the gifts are only another smack in the face to their pain. And an apology is only the beginning. The spiral of hurt and rejection comes from everyone involved in the estrangement, so be prepared for a
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