Dear Meghan: My husband and I have different parenting styles. One of the more frustrating examples of this is dinnertime each evening. Our 7-year-old son is an active little boy. He would prefer to stand rather than sit, draw while he eats or fiddle with something at the table. My husband insists that he sit straight in his chair, sit still and eat. I, on the other hand, am fine with our son not sitting like a soldier, as long as he’s eating.
This is a battle every single night. I’m afraid my husband’s reaction to him and his reminders to “eat,” “take a bite,” “swallow,” “sit still” will be damaging to him, and he’ll never be able to enjoy a meal because he’s always had this “pressure” to eat and was never left alone to enjoy a meal the way he wants. What advice do you have for me? Thank you!
— Dinner Battle
Dinner Battle: Thanks for writing, and here’s some good news: Most parents have different parenting styles! I have rarely worked with parents who are on the same page on every issue. And when difficulties arise, it is even easier to see your differences in sharp relief. Please know that, with only a couple of extreme examples, most parents can find the messy middle.
Before we get to your son’s behavior, it could be useful to do a values check with your husband using online quizzes. This is an activity where you eventually identify three to five main values. There are many, so choose ones that speak to you, and be aware that our values change as we grow and change. You can revisit these quizzes (such as this one or this one) as the years pass — they aren’t perfect, but they can elucidate some key differences in how both of you see the world.
Maybe you value “adventure, creativity and freedom” and your husband values “stability, power and respect.” Both sets of values are valid (and you may be even attracted to these values in each other), but you could be finding them at odds when it comes to your child at mealtimes. These differences can be anywhere from mildly annoying to marriage-crippling, and you need to take an honest assessment of how bad it is. Marriage counseling is a safe and recommended way to unpack these differences; you can learn how to work together to compromise for each other and your son.
As for your son’s lack of sitting while he eats: How long has it been like this? You describe him as an active boy, but has he always been hopping around during mealtime, or is this a newer behavior? If he seems to have an insatiable motor inside him that cannot be quelled with requests, threats of punishment, rewards or reminders, there could be something else at play. I am not quick to diagnose, but you will want to look around at the other parts of his life for more data on his impulsiveness. If he is hopping around everywhere, all the time, it’s simply not reasonable to […]
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