My almost 6-year-old daughter wants to dictate my choices

Dear Meghan: My almost 6-year-old, who is lauded for being delightful and kind at school, is increasingly sassy and mean to her mother. She wants to dictate my choices, such as what I wear, and is intolerant about any change to her schedule, like leaving after care at 4:30 instead of 5 p.m.

I’m struggling with what she is trying to tell me. Is the school day too long? Am I too strict or not strict enough? Or is this just the “I’m a big kid and don’t need my mom” phase? Help.

— Sassy Kid

Sassy Kid: This sounds frustrating; no one enjoys being bossed around by their child. I have no idea why your daughter has become increasingly difficult, but I am going to suggest something possibly obvious: Have you asked her?

I don’t recommend asking her about her intentions in the midst of a power struggle (rational thought plus heightened emotions don’t mix well). Instead, when you are in a calm moment, you can simply ask: “I have noticed you want to tell me what to wear every day. What’s going on there?” You may be surprised by her response.

Your daughter may say, “Well, you boss me around every day, so now I boss you around.” Or she may say, “I want to tell you what to wear so it looks good.” Or she may shrug. All responses yield good data. Maybe your daughter is trying to gain control in a world where she has none. Maybe your daughter is trying (poorly as it may feel) to spend time with you, to feel connected even in conflict. Maybe she truly has no clue that she’s been trying to control you and hasn’t the foggiest idea why. An almost 6-year-old will probably not give you a psychoanalytic answer, full of logic and deep self-knowledge, but she may give you just enough information to lead you to what to do next.

If these are new behaviors in your daughter, reflect on what has changed recently. Has the aftercare schedule changed? Friends or teachers? Something at home? Issues often show up in children sideways, which means that she can be struggling with something at school and you get bad moods and controlling behaviors at home — where she feels emotionally and physically safe. It doesn’t hurt to ask the teacher or aftercare folks if they have noticed anything happening interpersonally or among her friends.

When children this age try to control their parents, I know the go-to in our larger culture is to “nip it in the bud” or “show the child who’s boss.” But I tend to move toward compassion first. They are children, lest people forget. They are still practicing life — aren’t we all? If your daughter is […]

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