A: Many parents are making their summer camp plans, so this is a timely question. And as a former campgoer and lover (who parents three children who refuse to go to sleep-away camp), I am big proponent of our little ones going to the right sleep-away camp.
Your essential question is: How can I make my son happy about going to camp? Here is the easiest answer I will ever give: You can’t. You can’t push the needle toward positivity, you can’t cheerlead and you can’t force him into excitement when he is freaked out. Why is this? The answer is both simple and complex, so let’s dive in.
One of the fundamental ideas I focus on is that separation is the primary source of alarm. Humans, especially children, are built to be near each other, and when we are threatened with separation, we try to find ways to stay close to those we love.
When your son signed up for camp so many months ago, his head was filled with fun activities such as swimming and meeting new friends, and it was all far off and exciting. Going to camp was nothing to be afraid of because it wasn’t immediate.
Then the actuality of going away begins to loom, and the fact that your son must leave his people sets in. The idea of leaving you alarms him, so camp isn’t as great as it seemed before. Rationally, you list every conceivable reason to yourself and to him as to why camp is still a great idea (you visited before, he’s there for less time, other kids from your area are going), but this is not a rational problem: It’s an emotional one. There is no amount of problem-solving that will bypass the emotional need to be near the people we love.
What can you do to help your son feel more relaxed about attending camp?
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1. Slow down or stop the problem-solving and rational choices. When children are worried, they don’t tend to feel better when someone tells them not to be worried. (This is true for every human, no?) In fact, too much parental problem-solving can lead to more worrying in children, because it never solves the deeper fear of separation.
2. Replace the rational language with emotional language. Although it may be nerve-racking for you, agree with your son when it comes to his nervousness. Say things such as “It is scary to go somewhere new,” “I can see how four weeks feels like a long time” or “Not knowing exactly what will happen can feel frightening.” When children feel that their parents understand their heart, they can relax. This relaxation, although not fixing the specific worry per se, helps to lessen fear’s grip on a child.
3. As you move through the emotional language, it is perfectly acceptable to problem-solve. Have your son write down his worries, and create some solutions together. If he’s worried about making friends, can he practice some phrases or questions with you ahead of time? He can have questions in his back pocket, such as: “Where do you live?”; “Do you play Minecraft?”; or “I play a lot of baseball. Do you play a sport?” These can be little openers that your son can turn to when he’s feeling nervous. Conversely, you can practice asking him questions and having him answer you.
4. Understand that worries ebb and flow. Some days, your son will feel confident and ready, but as the date to leave nears, he will vacillate between excitement and fear. As the parent, don’t get yanked around by his emotions. Instead, be like a strong boat on the waves. Listen, reflect back his worries to him, see if there is a solution and express confidence in his ability to go to camp, that he can use his fear to fuel his courage. I love to use the website Hey Sigmund (heysigmund.com) as a resource to better understand anxiety, worries, children and parenting.
Find this over on The Washington Post.
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