He’s never bathed her or put her to bed. Since she was born there’s never been a day where I wasn’t the primary caregiver. We both work. I love her and I am glad to do it, but it would be nice to have someone to rely on — or someone who cared for me, too. We don’t have family close by and the only people who help are the ones I pay. What’s next?
I will admit that when I first read your question, I had lots of side-eye and judgment. My immediate answer to your question of what’s next was, “You leaving him is what’s next!” But I have been working, parenting and married long enough to know that there’s a lot I don’t know here. I just don’t know the myriad issues (big and small) in your relationship that has led to this lopsided parenting.
I also don’t know your gender, but I do know that even in a dual-working household, most women with male partners carry the primary load of raising the children. Our culture devalues the domestic work of parenting at almost every level. Aside from the day jobs, many mothers are responsible for all school matters, doctor’s visits, play dates, homework issues, after-school activities, food procurement and preparation, chores, cleaning and shopping. As Eve Rodsky says in “Fair Play,” it’s all invisible work: “Invisible because it may be unseen and unrecognized by our partners, and also because those of us who do it may not count or even acknowledge it as work … despite the fact that it costs us real time and significant mental and physical effort with no sick days or benefits.” Regardless of whether you are a woman, it is a huge problem that you are carrying this invisible load for your family.
You need to communicate that with your spouse ASAP. Resentment grows in silence, and simply doing the heavy lifting of taking care of the baby after you work because “you’re glad to” and hoping your spouse will eventually pitch in? It’s not likely to get better. There are numerous […]
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