Dear Meghan: How does a parent juggle making sure a child does the right thing (return a shoplifted candy bar, for example) with the very scary fear that the consequences could be life-altering (criminal charges) or worse for a child of color? Is forcing a child to own up to a mistake always the right choice? Does age matter (7 years old vs. 15)?
In almost every parenting scenario, I will advocate for natural consequences. Sometimes, the fallout of a child’s bad behavior can be the best teacher. The natural consequences of stealing a candy bar would be someone catching the child, the child feeling nervous, guilty and having to make amends to the shop owner. In a perfect world, the shop owner would hold the child accountable, but also let the infraction go and move on. Also, in this perfect world, a natural consequence would help a child grow rather than deeply shame, wound or traumatize them.
Turning a child in to the store for a lifted candy bar could teach a lesson, but what if the lesson is labeling, humiliating, juvenile detention or injury/death? What is a candy bar worth when a child’s suffering not only doesn’t teach a lesson, but can actually cause further harm — like more jail time in the future? The Sentencing Project cites a review of recidivism data from 2011 that found that “70% to 80% of youth who left residential correctional programs were rearrested within two or three years of release.” We also know that our juvenile system is heavily biased toward detaining non-White youth. The Sentencing project cites another study from 2010 that concludes, “Black, Latinx, and Tribal youth were 49%, 24%, and 93% more likely to be detained than white youth, respectively, even after controlling for offending histories and other relevant factors.”
The questions you are asking are more relevant than ever. If the system is biased and scary, how does a parent juggle learning lessons with keeping a child safe? How does being a child of color change the trajectory of lesson learning? And what does “owning up to a mistake” mean in 2024?
Of course, age matters when it comes to considering punishment, because it can inform the motivation behind shoplifting. A 7-year-old’s maturity compared to a 15-year-old’s maturity could not be more different. We need to look at their impulsivity, what is happening in their lives, their outside influences and whether this is a pattern or a one-off event.
ather than look for consequences, it’s more useful to look at the factors that lead to the theft, as well as the presence of any remorse. Was your kid with friends and felt pressured? Are there other impulsivity/executive functioning issues afoot? Is the child sorry, guilty or ashamed? Are they belligerent or do they think the store “owes” them? Answering these questions provides a more thoughtful way of understanding your child, which will lead to a better outcome. For instance, if a young child doesn’t understand their own impulsivity, it would behoove the parent to […]
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