Q: My co-parent and I recently went on a family vacation in Hawaii together. It was nice to be a (obviously nontraditional) family, but I couldn’t believe the dynamic between my ex and our son. It was all power struggles!
I know he loves our son and I know our son feels loved, which I deeply believe is the most important thing. However, I can see how the power play is harmful to our son and how it impacts his way of relating to the world. What do I do with this? I know my saying something directly would not help.
A: Thanks for writing, and let’s begin by celebrating your family vacation. To take your hard-earned vacation time and spend it with your co-parent is a gift to your son. There are dozens of ways to have a family, and “traditional” is only one way.
I really wish I knew the age of your son. Having frequent power struggles with a 3- or 4-year-old can be normal, but “all power struggles” with a 10-year-old, for instance, can be a cause of concern. But from the “power play” language you used, it seems that your co-parent is very much grasping to control your son and, no matter the age of the child, that won’t work in the short or long term. Power struggles aren’t a child speaking up for themselves, expressing a point or even disagreeing. Your co-parent may feel that when your son exerts any developmentally appropriate independence, he is making a power grab, but this is not always the case. Children (your son included) must push against some boundaries to find themselves; the power struggles begin when parents don’t understand the behavior or language the child is using. Of course, there are plenty of times when children are struggling with impulses and dysregulation that has nothing to do with the parents! But the onus is still on the parent to understand and react appropriately.
If a parent’s relationship with the child is shaky (read: contentious, angry, combative, passive-aggressive, fear-based), power struggles are more common. When the child doesn’t feel connected to the parent, any disagreement can become a conscious or unconscious power grab. Children need to feel that the parent is on their side (not how many of us were raised, ahem). And, by the way, I want to see a child fight back when they are being coerced or controlled. Obedience is earned, not automatic. Yes, parents are meant to be in charge to help the child grow into their fullest potential, but it can easily turn into control, cajoling, manipulation, force or guilt. Parental power, in the truest form, is compassionate and boundaried leadership.
The cardinal parenting rule is that the only person you can control is yourself, so focus on your part of the relationship with your son. Listen to your son complain about the co-parent, give reassurance and show empathy, try to problem solve with the child (depending on their age), rinse and repeat. Role model common-sense, compassionate leadership in your home, and give your son age-appropriate choices and boundaries. While it will not feel like enough in the moment, you will […]
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