My 8-year-old granddaughter is a good student with friends, but she’s so shy

Dear Meghan: My 8-year-old granddaughter is extremely shy. She is a good student and has friends, but she wouldn’t say hello to someone she may have known for many years.

— So Shy

So Shy: Thank you for your note; you haven’t asked a direct question, but I am guessing you think shyness is an issue. As a parenting coach, I come across grandparents and parents alike who are worried about shyness – which is different from introversion – but I don’t see it as a problem that needs to be corrected. There are ways we can help our children operate in this world while respecting their nature.

Shyness is common in very young children and for good reason! It keeps children close to those they are attached to. It doesn’t make sense for a child to attach and cling to every adult they come across; how would they know who to take their cues from? Young children usually only have a couple of caretakers with whom they aren’t shy (with many notable exceptions in Indigenous cultures), thus the reciprocal relationship between parent and child deepens.

Shyness, silence and indirect communication isn’t exactly valued in American culture. In many cultures, such as certain Native American tribes, it isn’t seen as a problem. Our country values independence, loudness, brashness, extroversion and productivity. You may be used to shyness being a trait children need to be trained out of, but it doesn’t pose any real threat to the child’s development or well-being. A book that has changed how people feel about shyness, one I believe is a must-read for everyone, is “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” by Susan Cain. She also wrote a book for children and teens, “Quiet Power: The Secret Strengths of Introverted Kids.” Celebrating shy and introverted children while also showing how they make their own mark could be a lovely way to connect to your granddaughter, and you could read it together.

All of this to say: It’s okay that your granddaughter is shy. You don’t report any significant problems; in fact, she is a good student and has friends. As for not greeting someone she has known for years, I suppose there are many 8-year-olds who would enthusiastically greet someone they know, but mostly? Eight-year-olds can be very shy when it comes to approaching someone! It is vulnerable work to greet someone, make eye contact and small talk. Especially for an 8-year-old who, lest you forget, spent her crucial years of social development in a pandemic and may be […]

View this full article on The Washington Post