I am a work in progress.
Aren’t you?
You aren’t finished growing, are you?
No. And if you think you are, then you’ve really got a long way to go. 😉
BUT.
You have *hopefully* gained some experience and wisdom. You have been (and still are) maturing all these years.
Your young children are just at the beginning.
They have only just started down the path.
Thoughtful, sensitive, rambunctious, hungry, tired, amazed, overwhelmed, cuddly, scared, excited, ready, not ready.
Our children are a developmental jumble of emotions and impulses, and none of them are by accident.
NOT ONE SINGLE EMOTION OR IMPULSE IS A MISTAKE.
Each impulse or emotion pushes them forward or pulls them backward.
The brain is ever-evolving to keep them safe and help them emerge.
Silliness is seen as misbehavior, but it is often a defense against vulnerability in children.
I know it is in me.
Aggression is seen as misbehavior, but it is often an explosion of frustration. Frustration is a necessary and primary emotion that does everything from keeping us safe to helping us adapt and mature. Frustration must move out of the body, hence hitting, biting, etc.
I know this is true for me.
“Spacing out” is seen as manipulative and purposeful, but it a defense against overwhelm. It is the brain saying, “That’s it. I cannot take in any more sensory information. Shut ‘er down.”
None of these emotions or behaviors are “wrong.” They are not mental disorders nor are they something to be “fixed,” per se.
They are to be understood. Clearly seen. Accommodated.
And when accommodation cannot be had, room is provided to allow the child to cry. Feel. Express. Move.
Labeling normal maturation processes as “misbehavior” is at the heart of many struggles we have with our children.
Personalizing children’s emotions and growth as misbehavior is at the heart of our parenting pain and suffering.
As parents, we guide children and yes! we correct them. But it is in a spirit of support, safety, and guidance…not control, anger, and rigidity that we find our parenting sweet spot.
To hold the boundaries…lovingly and firmly.
To keep them safe…unquestioningly and endlessly
To provide independence…judiciously and confidently
To tell them the truth…honestly and prudently
To show them the way…gracefully and thoughtfully
To get out of the way…intentionally and respectfully
Such wonderful and moving truths; thank you.
Especially this: “I know this is true for me” and no emotions are “wrong.” Personalizing my OWN emotions & behaviors gets me into at least as much trouble as doing this with theirs. Thanks for the timely reminder.
Love this, Meghan. I can use the part at the end as a mantra every day to remind myself what it is that they (and, I) need.