Hi Meghan: My 4-year-old is pushing boundaries, as she should. She’s also a fast learner. She’s taken to turning the same approaches we use on her back on us.
For example: She would not go into her room at bedtime. Parent said if she did not go into her room, she would lose one minute of screen time the next day. A few minutes later, she said if parent did not do something they had already said we would not do, parent would lose five points tomorrow. Funny, usually. But not when we say “I’m asking you to do X” or “I need you to do Y” and the response is often “No, I’M asking you to do [some unacceptable thing].”
How do we balance respecting her right for autonomy and her (frankly very good) negotiation techniques with the need for her to respect rules and do what we say when necessary?
Mini-negotiator: Negotiation requires not just talking through something but compromising on what you want. Sure, you can have some discussion with a 4-year-old, but compromise? That requires a good bit of maturity and the ability to consider another person’s viewpoint and, it turns out, 4-year-old children aren’t so hot at that.
Yes, they are bright. They can mimic language (you’ve found this out the hard way), and they can care deeply, but they are still managing how to come to agreements with others. Hence why you see flashes of amazing logic and empathy and then poof! They can tantrum like a toddler. Four-year-olds only have enough language and patience to get them so far. And, like any human who doesn’t get what they want, they will use what’s been shown to them — your threats of punishment as bargaining tactics — and then will eventually melt down.
Here’s the good news: You can stop all this threatening and bargaining before it grows into a real problem (talk to parents of tweens who never got a hold on this; it’s a nightmare) and, instead, use strategies that work without tricks. The bad news? The other strategies take the long view, are harder in the short term and are so common sense, you’ll think you’re being punked.
First things first: You are going to stop threatening her with losing tech time and, instead, use what 4-year-olds value: play, laughter, real work and connection. A 4-year-old loves a real job and choices, but they are still little, have vivid imaginations and a deep desire to play. They want to feel connected to you in those ways. It will feel scary to give up your threats if they are your go-to, but with some faith and hard work, it can quickly get better.
Begin with a 4-year-old’s strengths: hard work and real choices. Make a bedtime chart outlining what will happen at night, and take your daughter seriously. Does she want to brush her teeth in the bath? Great. Does she want three books instead of two? Lovely. Do all […]
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