I’m worried my 19-year-old has a crush on a teacher

Hi Meghan: Our 19-year-old is a freshman in college. They were accepted into an out-of-state college but at the last minute decided to stay in state, and they are even living at home (mental health was under attack by a roommate).

Since they were little, they have wanted to be a doctor (with no attachment or pressure from us), and all our pretend play centered on what medical professionals do. At the start of the second premed semester, they said they hated the classes even though they loved all science and math in high school. They are now working with a university guidance counselor on career and education choices.

They are leaning toward education, which is an important pursuit but seems inconsistent with their history. It also seems somewhat influenced by a possible “crush” on a high school teacher they have stayed in contact with postgraduation. They see this teacher three times a week at a mutual sporting event. We think this teacher is a large part of why they are not going to an out-of-state school.

We don’t know what to do; we always want to support our children’s interests, but this feels like our child’s judgment is clouded by a crush or interest in this teacher — who is happily married. Maybe this is the time to let go and let them live life and be responsible for outcomes and mind our own business, but as an observer, it feels like they need gentle advice.

— University Parent

University Parent: I was casually reading your letter until the high school teacher part and then (insert record being scratched sound here).

First things first: Close relationships with high school teachers can be lifesaving for many teens. The support, good will and encouragement can make a profound difference in the trajectory of a student’s life, and these teachers are a blessing.

But I would be remiss if I didn’t wonder about any inappropriate behaviors from the teacher. Married or not, has this teacher made overtures, flirted or taken the relationship to a level that abuses their power? Having a crush on a teacher is as old as time, but it is the teacher’s role to maintain professional boundaries, so I would gently peek into this. I am not suggesting you interrogate your adult child — just stay curious and listen for details. If you have a good relationship with your child, you can ask directly, but if you don’t, just listen. Your child is now technically an adult, but if this teacher has acted unprofessionally, you may have some difficult decisions to make (such as reporting them to the district or the police).

Maybe your kid was inspired because of a crush, but it’s more likely that their mind would’ve changed even without it. All the change you are seeing in your college student around study and professional choices is not strange — nor is it a bad thing. When a person has had a passion for medicine their whole life, it can be destabilizing and scary to feel like the dream may be changing. Your adult child hasn’t lived long enough to see many iterations of themselves, so some floundering is bound to happen!

And thank goodness it is happening now. One doesn’t have to look far to find an adult who is deep in an important career while feeling miserably trapped and depressed. We want our adult children to learn that change (and continuous change) is how real life is! Yes, responsibilities must be met and decisions must be made, […]

View this full article on The Washington Post

Looking for more parenting support? Click Here.