When a 7-year-old explodes, what’s a parent to do?

Q: I would appreciate guidance on how my 7-year-old son handles his anger and frustration. An example: When it’s time for school, he sometimes expresses his frustration about getting up by grumbling to himself (okay), but occasionally he will yell at me (not okay).

The other day at the grocery store, he saw a toy that sparked his fancy. He asked whether I could buy it for him. I told him that I wouldn’t get it for him today but that he could save up his allowance or complete extra chores around the house to earn it. He quietly cried to himself (okay) while processing his feelings. But when we got to the car, he yelled at me (not okay).

Whenever he yells at me, I tell him that I don’t deserve to be spoken to that way, then I walk away and allow him to cool off. When he’s ready to talk, we always talk about healthy ways to express your emotions.

My partner and I give him opportunities to have control over his day by making choices. I completely understand his frustration at things that are beyond his control, but I don’t like being yelled at. Any advice?

A: Thank you for writing in; as a professional and as a parent, I can assure you that no one enjoys being yelled at by their children. And with only a few rare exceptions, raising immature people means that explosions occur and that yelling happens. So, no matter what support you seek or parenting tips you try, zero yelling is not a reasonable goal.

As for your letter, we have a pretty good snapshot of what is not working when it comes to your son and his explosions. For instance, you responded with calm logic and a great idea (saving his allowance and completing extra chores for more money), which was met with tears and more frustration. We also know that you state what you won’t allow and that you walk away, then follow up with a chat about healthy ways to express emotions. Well, those techniques aren’t working, either. It is good to assess what doesn’t work, because you can see the patterns more clearly. What isn’t working: using logic, walking away and giving lectures.

What are the developmental norms of a 7-year-old? This is considered the age of reason, which means that a typical 7-year-old can be patient, empathic, compassionate and considerate of others, but not consistently. Seven-year-olds are more and more interested in friendships, have their feelings hurt easily and can easily become anxious and needy for their parents. They’re learning quickly, but don’t mistake emerging maturity as consistent maturity. Their brains are still very much developing, and there is a range of behaviors apparent in 7-year-olds. So, sometimes yelling at their parents? Not at all […]

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