Q: Do you have advice about lying? My 16-year-old son says that he lies to not disappoint me and that he does it without really thinking, because he wants to avoid the immediate disappointment. I understand that and have assured him on so many occasions that it’s the lies that are disappointing. He’s saying (again) that he will think before he speaks. How do I move forward to start trusting him?
For simple things such as not using his phone at night, he says he won’t, but if I check on him if I wake up, he’s often on his phone. Do I take the phone or trust him again the next night? I’m a single parent of two teens and live overseas, and I’m really burned out. Also, is it fair to “force” him to see a counselor?
A: Thank you for writing in. A single parent of two teens? I don’t doubt that you are feeling burned out, and my first piece of advice is to take it easy on yourself. Whether solo through choice, separation, divorce or being widowed, single parents get to play by a set of different rules. Why? Because it is unreasonable to expect you to do the work of two people, thus necessitating greater grace and self-compassion.
Your son has clearly told you why he is lying: He doesn’t want to disappoint you. This leads me to a couple of questions: Is the pressure in the house too high? Are the expectations out of whack? Is there a history of shame and blame when he has told the truth? Reflect on your parenting, and be honest about your tone and judgment. Yes, every parent of a teen loses their cool, but is your disappointment palpable? Are your expectations reasonable and kind?
Or is your son’s shame some kind of self-imposed guilt coming from within? Is he anxious or a perfectionist, or does he have cognition distortions regarding guilt, shame and truth? You […]
View this full article in The Washington Post
Looking for more parenting support? Click Here.
Sign up for my Newsletter here to get this in your inbox every week!