A: Ugh, I am sorry. Even during the pandemic, kids find a way to (intentionally or not) hurt each other. Although I was dismayed to read your letter, I know from other reports that many families have chosen to “pod” or “bubble” together, leaving others feeling left out and angry. I am not saying that families who decide to hang out together are wrong or right; in fact, these agreements can help with child care, stave off depression and help with feeling hopeful about the future.
You have mentioned a couple of solutions that I would have recommended. First, I would try to have my child advocate for herself, i.e., talk to the friends about how this is making her feel. Secondly, it also sounds like you have spoken to one of the parents who has clearly stated their desire to have one child play with another at a time. Because both of those options have been looked at, I would recommend choosing another path.
It is clear that until quarantine is over, these families have made their choices, and now you get to make yours. I would call a meeting with your daughter and let her know that sometimes people do this; they may not intend to be exclusive and, hence, unkind, but this happens in life. This is an excellent growth opportunity. (I know, insert eye roll here.) These friends are providing the most basic of life lessons: You cannot control other people. So, sit with your daughter and lay it out: “Amanda and Sue are quarantined together; we know this. We also know that sometimes one of them can play with you, but then that comes to an end when the other wants to play. This isn’t working for us, because it is hurtful when you get excited and then they just leave. Let’s create three other options that will be fun for you!”
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When you sit down to brainstorm what else your daughter can do and whom else she can hang with, focus on a couple of key points. No. 1: There won’t be perfect solutions given the time we are in (a pandemic). No. 2: We don’t need to actively leave anyone out (the girls down the street). No. 3: We can still always speak up for ourselves in a way that shows respect for all parties.
The first point is important because, as we know, life is changing underneath our feet. Life will be different (quarantine-wise) when you read this response compared with when you wrote the question, so we need to encourage flexibility in our children. Whatever solution you create with your daughter could change overnight depending on outbreaks and quarantine measures, so, for instance, if you decide to distance-play with another friend, that may change. And although my petty side would love to ice the mean girls down the street, here is the truth: Everyone is doing the best they can, and, unless you think these girls are purposely trying to hurt your daughter, it is best to proceed despite them. If they walk down and hang out, great. If they leave, great. You are moving along with your plan.
Reach out to other moms to see if you can get on a play date schedule with some other kids. Whatever schedule works for you is great, and be sure to have a plan. Being outside, distanced, masked and having separate snacks and activities — all of this is on the table. This way, your daughter can look forward to seeing someone and help prepare the play date.
Also, can your daughter scooter, bike or walk around your neighborhood? Every parent has a different comfort level with this, but the novel coronavirus has provided us time and space to practice independence. Instead of waiting for the girls to come out to her, what plans can your daughter make on her own? I would like it if your daughter had the option to walk away from these girls.
Above all, remember that although we don’t know when, this quarantine will pass. Let’s decide to grow resilience and not allow others to control how we enjoy our time. Good luck!
Find this over on The Washington Post.
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