Q: My 14-year-old daughter and I are very close, but she struggles to connect with her dad. She wants to talk to him and get closer, but he has a tendency to only want to talk on his terms, when he feels like it and he gets upset with her when that’s not when she’s in the mood to talk (usually right after school when she’s tired from her day). Then he gets frustrated and says she’s too moody and he won’t bother trying to talk to her anymore. It breaks my heart when she tells me she feels like her dad doesn’t like her. When I tell him that she’s feeling this way, he says she’s being ridiculous and too sensitive. What can I do to help?
A: There are few things worse than being in the middle of two people who are struggling to connect. You love your spouse and you love your daughter, but that’s not enough to help connect them. In some ways, playing the intermediary may be making their relationship tougher, not easier.
I don’t know anything about your family, so I’m hoping that your spouse is more mature than he sounds. He isn’t the first dad to have his feelings hurt by his teen daughter, but only talking to his daughter when “he feels like it,” and then punishing her when she’s tired is not a good look for an adult or a parent. Does he demonstrate emotional immaturity across the board, or does this seem particular to his daughter? The distinction matters because if he is like this with everyone, it’s a red flag that you are co-parenting with someone who not only cannot carry their share of the load, but can cause damage. Teens can be “ridiculous and too sensitive,” but that’s not an excuse to write them off or stop trying to connect. Surely, there are more hours in the day than the one directly after school for them to talk.
If your normally emotionally stable spouse is suddenly sullen about his teen daughter, his feelings may be truly hurt and he may not know what to do. Many fathers enjoy great relationships with their young daughters only to feel a bit distant, pushed out and awkward as puberty hits. Their relationship doesn’t have to take a terrible hit, but it is typical that the dynamics change. That’s life, and it is okay for a teen parent to feel adrift, unsure and hurt. The problem isn’t the awkward dynamics, it’s when the parent doesn’t right the ship. Connection is a two-way street, and you can counsel your daughter to connect with her father after school in small ways, but it is always the parent’s job to connect to their teen and tween, not the other way around.
To begin, get out of the middle. Like it or not, you’re part of the problem. You are carrying messages back and forth between them, and this only contributes to more miscommunication. In the most direct way, I would sit them both down and say […]
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