Q: Our 13-year-old is chronically late to school. Almost every day, it’s at least a few minutes, but today it was 2 1 /2 hours. Her dad takes a laissez-faire approach, just giving her time and not pushing, afraid she’ll shut down and not go. I tend to be the tough one, but that leads to a lot of stress and anger. Any suggestions? I think it boils down to (1) a power struggle and (2) a kid who has self-esteem issues, is doing okay in school but constantly feels like she’s struggling, and takes hours to complete her homework. We’re waiting to hear back from the school about next steps there, but in the meantime, any coping strategies you can suggest on the home front?
A: There is lots of information here, but be aware that there is much more I don’t know.
I am going to surmise that this has been going on for a while. This is tough; school refusal is quite sticky. And your husband is laissez-faire while you are the tough one, which means you go back and forth between giving her power and taking it away.
When you are desperate for your child to get to school, you are throwing the kitchen sink at the problem. And when everything is proceeding normally with children, that works. Clearly, here, you need to do something different.
[Daughter refuses help with her ADHD, but parents are afraid she’s wasting her potential]
Think about it: Would you enthusiastically hop to school if you were miserable? If everything felt like a struggle? Of course not. Middle school is hard even on its best day. The peer jostling, as well as the immediacy of social media, adds to the pressure that any teen feels, let alone a teen who is struggling. Add a learning disability or depression, and the suffering is acute. The hardest part? Many tweens and teens can appear inscrutable. They disappear behind closed doors, turn on video games or open Snapchat, and poof. They feel gone, and it’s pretty easy for parents to look away. No yelling, no screaming, no failing grades? No problems.
Except not really.
That your daughter is spending hours doing homework points to something significant. Either the work is wholly inappropriate for her and the school gives far too much homework, or your daughter is struggling with an undiagnosed learning disability or attention-related executive-functioning problem.
The really tough part is that if your daughter has been working with her disability or attention issues for a long time, she has developed coping strategies. The human brain can create all sorts of workarounds and ways to disguise suffering until it becomes too much.
The brain and mind are so busy trying to learn and cope at middle school, and at home, that the vulnerability can become overwhelming and the mind exhausted, and so the brain begins to shut down. The work and the pain are too great. Avoidance, depression and anxiety take root, and now you have some real problems.
If your daughter is struggling at school, of course her mind and brain say: “Nope, that place hurts us. We aren’t going.” Isn’t that actually healthy in a way?
So take your daughter out and do something the whole family loves — eating out, being outside, going to the mall, making art, playing a sport. (Try to avoid technology.) When the family mojo feels good, sit down with your daughter and acknowledge how hard everything has been. Ask how she has been feeling about school, her homework and more. Depending on how much she has shut down, this could be tough. Some tips to help foster conversation:
[A 10-year-old’s complaints about school are creating morning misery]
1. Tell stories from your own middle school years. Tough friendships, mean teachers, time-wasting homework, being tired and bored. All of it could help your daughter understand that she isn’t alone in feeling this way. If you had some kind of magical middle school experience, do your best to relate to what you think she may be feeling.
2. Talk and then shut up. Give your daughter a chance to process your words and then feel safe enough to say something. Don’t pick up your phone while you wait (so rude and instantly shuts down all conversation). Just sit there and wait. See if your daughter has something to say.
3. Both parents must be fully committed to not lecturing, only listening. You may feel justified in explaining to her how other people are suffering in the world and how tired you are of the daily struggle to get to school on time, but bite your tongue. Guilt, shame and lecturing don’t facilitate good conversation.
If you can get her to talk, listen for the feelings underneath what she is saying. What is hurting her? What are the struggles? Could this be hormonal? Whatever you do, listen and nod. Let her know that you and your spouse want to work with her.
Next, get a short-term plan together to help her get to school. Let her know that the long-term goal is that she feels confident in school but that meanwhile you are just trying to finish out the year. School is almost over as I write this, so you may need to get a reward system going. When you have a child who is so resistant, it is okay to sweeten the pot to get to the other side. Is this a long-term solution? No. But what you can do is say: “What is something really awesome we could do at the end of school? You and a friend at an amusement park? A water park?” Create something to look forward to.
My intuition is telling me that any punishments or serious consequences will backfire. She is already struggling in school, so adding misery gets you more misery. If you have your short-term meeting to get through school, you could ask: “What should we do if the plan falls short? What is the consequence?” If she isn’t too depressed or anxious, your daughter may willingly create a consequence, and if she does, go with it.
You and your spouse have to commit to being positive, empathic and patient. You are in a tough cycle, and it is up to you to break it. You can’t ask your daughter to snap out of it unless you recognize your part in this struggle.
The great part about creating a plan is that you and your spouse can stop the good cop/bad cop dynamic. It is normal in every family to have one parent be a bit more strict than the other, but when there is a regular struggle that leads to more frustration, the teen feels more insecure. Because as much as tweens and teens profess that they want to “just be left alone,” every one of them thrives on consistent and loving boundaries. If you find yourself struggling with your spouse, please avail yourself of a good family therapist. I think your daughter would also benefit from talking to a kind third party.
Finally, you have smartly contacted your daughter’s school and begun the process of unpacking your daughter’s academic and emotional challenges. Know that although there could be some quick fixes, this could be a long road of specialists and consults. Keep your connection with your daughter as close and loving as possible so that, as a family, you can make school and life easier.
More fun. Less struggle.
Find this over on The Washington Post.