Q: I have a mostly superficial relationship with my mom. By adolescence, I learned I couldn’t depend on her for emotional support. My mom routinely invalidated my emotions by telling me that I was wrong, just feeling sorry for myself or going through a phase that I’d get over. I don’t think I ever just got a hug and an “I’m sorry that’s happening.” Now, I simply don’t share anything emotionally significant with her. My mom has a good relationship with my kids, although I watch for signs she’s treating them the way she treated me. As my own daughter approaches puberty, I’m being very open with her about what that process was like for me as well as my general experiences growing up as a kid who didn’t fit in and was often bullied. I have Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (something my mother refused to let me get treated) so I am particularly sympathetic to how my child is impacted by her changing hormones. I don’t want to taint my kids’ relationship with my mom but my interactions with her were a pretty significant element of that phase of my life. Should I shield my child from knowing how my mom treated me for now?
A: I am sorry that your mom couldn’t offer you the emotional support that you so badly needed as a child. Becoming a parent shows us what we received and what we didn’t as children, and there is often a deep grief in this. When you are a child, you may know that you “feel bad” and may fear your mom, but, like a fish, you only know the water you swim in and no matter how toxic it may be, the water seems normal. Not until you witness and experience healthy and happy relationships do you see what you missed as a child.
From your letter, it seems that you have come to grips with what actually happened in your childhood, what you received and what you didn’t, and you have moved forward. You have found ways to have your mother remain in your life, and I am very much hoping that since you “don’t share anything emotionally significant” with your mom, you have established and held your boundaries.
Now you have a daughter on her way to becoming a teen, and you are understandably triggered into remembering your own neglected feelings with your mother and worrying about how their grandmother/granddaughter relationship will move forward.
Your actual question to me, “Should I shield my child from knowing how my mom treated me for now?” made me think of something I read by Dani Shapiro. She is the author of “Slow Motion: A Memoir of a Life Rescued by Tragedy” and “Devotion: A Memoir,” to name a couple. In a particular piece, she addressed how a memoirist can talk about their past and the people in it without doing harm. In essence, how a writer can be truthful about what she remembers when the memory is only using her perspective. She says, “My motivation, in writing, is to connect. To say: this is me, my truth, my world. This is what I understand, this is my lens, this is how I see.” This crucial question: “Does my story serve to connect?” is critical. Is the reader connecting to the story? To the characters? Is there a connection to a larger theme, lesson, value or message? The memoirist doesn’t serve to vilify or celebrate the memory; she is trying to be truthful and help people connect.
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So, what would be your purpose in shielding or being honest with your daughter about your teen years? Would it serve to connect the two of you, or would sharing be used as a tool of fear? Would you use your story to vilify your mother? Would you use your story to build sadness and loss in yourself? You and I both know your daughter isn’t you. She will never repeat your life. There is much wisdom to be offered if she is bullied or suffers from someone else’s harsh judgment, but would she benefit from the information before these events occur?
Would your story bolster or burden?
The wisdom to connect and share truths about your childhood is found in time, distance and compassion. We need time and distance to look back with more mature, clear eyes, and we need compassion to help us understand that almost nothing is what it seems. For instance, did your mother not give you what you need? Yes, but were your mother’s needs also tossed aside as she grew up? Did she experience a trauma that didn’t allow her to connect to you on a deeper level? I am in no way suggesting that you simply forgive and forget, but to connect with your daughter, you have to able to see the fuller picture of how everyone is flawed. Otherwise, you will take on the persona of a victim, offering only pain and fear to your daughter.
Essentially, if you don’t feel somewhat healed from your adolescence, your wisdom will not serve to connect, and will not benefit your daughter.
Whether you shield or share with your daughter, the real issue is how you feel about your adolescence and your ability to mother your daughter with as much strength and clarity as possible, which is no small task.
If you think you need to do more emotional work, seek out a therapist to help you sort through these feelings. It will do wonders for all of the relationships in your life, not just with your mother and your daughter. I also love the book “Mothering and Daughtering: Keeping Your Bond Strong Through the Teen Years” by Eliza and Sil Reynolds. Beautifully written from the perspective of both mother and daughter, the book offers a gentle reminder of how to stay present in parenting without suffocating your child. I also recommend “Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood” by Lisa Damour. Clear, smart and relatable, this book will help remind you that what feel like insurmountable challenges are actually normal developmental stages for almost every adolescent girl.
Finally, don’t pressure yourself to have a just-right message for your daughter as she enters the teen years. Family, especially mother/teen daughter relationships, can be complicated and that’s okay. If you are open to her big feelings, offer an empathic ear and provide strong boundaries, you are doing a good job. Don’t expect yourself to teach her all of the important lessons. Your life is singularly yours; be sure that you have gained your own wisdom before you attempt sharing it.
Good luck.
Find this over on The Washington Post.
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