Question: The most frequent “offense” in our home is aggression from my older son (just turned 4) toward my younger son (almost 2). Usually it is pushing, and usually over a toy. I want to first connect with my son before reacting to what has occurred, but sometimes when he knows he has done something wrong, he just loses it. He yells and runs from me, and I am uncertain how to reach him.
Restraining him until he calms down is often my first instinct, but this escalates him. I could wait him out and shift his attention to something else, but I also don’t want to send the message that you can push your brother and then do whatever you want. Once I feel like I can talk to him, he sometimes says things like, “I like to push him, and I like to be bad!” We don’t even say “you’re bad” in our home, so I don’t know where that is coming from.
Answer: Ah:, sibling dynamics! Aren’t they fun? Right from the start, I see you also have two “magical” ages: 2 and 4. Research shows us that there is no more violent time in our lives than when we are 2, and age 4 is one of the most intense times, neurologically speaking.
Beyond intense ages, we also have normal sibling stuff happening here. According to Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman’s “NurtureShock,” “Siblings between the ages of 3 and 7 clash 3.5 times per hour, on average. The length of the conflicts varies, but the average is about 10 minutes per hour or about 15% of the time.”
How is this good news? Well, the studies also show that most of these squabbling children grow into adults who get along.
“But wait,” parents say, “do you want me to let my kids duke it out morning, noon and night?” No. We cannot do that, either.
The reason I point out the normalcy of sibling fighting is so that we parents can stop taking it so personally. The fighting is not necessarily an indictment of your parenting, nor is it a rock-solid prediction of a child who is going to stay aggressive.
And yet, there are some things we can do to help these brothers.
The 4-year-old (let’s call him Harry) is aggressive because something is frustrating him. He responds to this deep instinct of frustration by using the few tools he has in his toolbox, and those tools are all physical. Pushing, hitting, running away — all of this is his telling you that Harry’s young brain cannot override his frustration and make him “behave.”
You write that you don’t want to send the message “that you can push your brother and then do whatever you want,” which means that you want some kind of learning to happen with this 4-year-old, in the heat of the moment.
But no learning will occur when your brain is overloaded with anger and frustration. The rational part of your brain is in panic mode! You are frustrated and your brain is trying to make sense of what is in front of you, but you cannot. React, react, react. Control, control, control.
The more you react and control, the worse Harry gets. And when you restrain him, he fights more. (Fighting back is a natural response to being restrained, by the way. You don’t have to look far to see how restraining people makes them go off the rails; children are especially sensitive to this. Do what you have to do to keep others safe, but consider restraining him as a last resort.)
Instead, let’s go to the source of the frustration.
1. Is the 2-year-old also involved in the toy/pushing dynamic?
2. Is the environment set up to frustrate or facilitate play?
3. Does Harry need his own space?
4. Do you need some helping hands (babysitter, mother’s helper, etc.)?
5. Are you paying attention only when there is toy drama?
These questions are not meant to lead you toward clear and easy answers. This is an opportunity to reflect on how you can help Harry without placing the onus of change upon his shoulders.
The next thing to do is to start scripting the play between the brothers.
This requires you to be on the floor with the kids, playing, smiling and using key phrases. “Thank you, Harry, for moving the trains near Reginald! Reginald, please hand me the blue train. Harry, build us a tunnel and show us how the train goes in.”
Don’t make the children repeat after you. You are modeling the play and watching for dynamics.
Essentially, I am asking you to monitor more of the play between the boys.
Lastly, Harry is beginning to say he likes to push and “be bad.” This is alarming to hear and would send many of us down a path of fear and worry. But given that the American Psychiatric Association puts sociopathology at only 1 percent to 3 percent of the entire population, chances are good that your son is normal.
When Harry says he is being “bad,” let him know that although you won’t stand for the violence, you still think he is a great kid. You love him unconditionally.
Make it a practice to start saying phrases such as “I know you didn’t want to hurt Reginald. I know you didn’t mean to throw the truck. I know you don’t like to push.”
Why say this? As the parents, we want to elicit the feelings in him that he is inherently good and, most important, we believe in him. This relaxes Harry’s brain. This lets him know that no matter what, we are on his side. We are not going to allow him to hurt his brother or the house, but we will always believe in his desire to be and do good.
This can be a tough practice for parents, so give yourself lots of leeway here.
Remember:
1. Analyze the environment. Is there anything that needs tweaking or changing?
2. Proactively play with the kids and step in before there is a blowup or blowout.
3. Let Harry know that you are on his side — over and over and over.
Find this over on The Washington Post.