On Parenting: Meghan Leahy takes your questions about parenting 4/13/16

My 21 year old son has dropped out of college #3 after having transferred out of his first 2 schools. He has gotten a job at a liquor store working 32 hours per week with the possibility of extra hours being paid under the table. He thinks his hourly wage will be $9 or $10 – he didn’t ask! I have paid all of his expenses thru school (tuition, room & board, car, gas, etc). His stepfather and I are professionals, making a good living, but we have 3 other children between us and are paying their entire college expenses. I think my son should start paying rent, but I’m not sure what to charge him. He hasn’t gotten his first check yet and I think he’s going to be in for a big reality check when he sees what he nets out of that 9 or 10 dollar hourly wage! Your guidance would really be appreciated.

Hi, I love your chats and read them all! I was holding our just-turned-two year old the other day and out of nowhere she said the phrase, “no cry here – cry at home” several times. When I repeated the story to the daycare provider the next morning, she said, “yes, we tell them, ‘don’t cry now, cry at home’. While this certainly explains the melt down’s she has nearly every evening (combined with being 2!), I am really saddened by this. We really love her daycare, but I cannot imagine telling little one’s they are not allowed to cry! I have sensed that my child is stressed out by daycare and I think part of that stress comes from keeping her emotions pent up during the day. Is this worth switching daycare’s over? Is this common? What do you think?

Hi Meghan and Amy! We’re at a loss about what to do with our 8 year old daughter. For the past few months she has been sullen, moody, and generally just unpleasant over 50% of the time. We’ve ruled out any medical issues, she gets approx. 10-11 hours of sleep each night, TV time is limited to an hour (if that) during the week. She doesn’t eat the way she should, but we can’t control what she eats at school (even with a packed lunch) and have had her pediatrician discuss healthy eating with her. She alludes to friend issues, but what she describes seems like normal 8 year old stuff. We’re really, really, really trying to love her through it but it’s getting harder and harder to react lovingly and not punish/yell/snap when she’s yelling at us or her brother. Please help!

Hi Meghan, I have 2 adorable girls: ages 2 & 4. These 2 are either the best of friends or each other’s worst enemy; there is no in between. I need to get them stop fighting like cats and dogs because it’s driving me bonkers! I don’t want to do spankings because I never had that growing up. Are timeouts suitable? If so, is there a good rule of thumb for time outs?

My three-year-old boy transitioned from crib to toddler bed with no problems. Several weeks ago, however, he began sleeping on his rug, rather than in the bed. He says he doesn’t want to pee in his bed overnight (We got him Paw Patrol sheets, and he may be worried about soiling them). That was never really a problem for him, though, and I explained that I can change the bedsheets much more easily than I could clean the rug, but he is unmoved by this logic. The first few nights he did this, we moved him into the bed after he fell asleep, but now we just leave him on the floor. Are we doing the wrong thing?

So I have two completely opposite points. (1) yes charge some kind of rent try to help him understand money and budgeting on a limited income. (2) any chance of ADHD?

Should a 7 year old child be told that his father is in jail? Father and mother have been separated for almost two years after an incident of domestic violence, which the child witnessed. Father has developed a drug issue and has not had much visitation with the child lately, although he has had some spotty visitation. Now he has violated his parole and will likely be going to prison for a year or two. Child lives with his mom and mom’s boyfriend, where life is stable and there is no fighting or abuse. The mother wants to tell the child that his father will be going to prison, since he won’t be seeing his father for a while, and she feels it is better that he knows the truth than feel like his father abandoned him. Other people are telling the mother it would be better to tell the child his father moved away because child goes to a nice school where none of the other kids fathers are in prison and they are worried he will talk about it with his classmates. What would you recommend? Despite the father’s flaws the child misses and loves him.

Because I can’t believe that 2-year-olds are actually holding in their emotions for a whole day. What on earth is going on at that day care?!

I have two adult daughters (43 and 46) who will not talk or correspond to one another. Any ideas on how to bring them together?

My 3.5 year old is resisting the potty. With his older brother, we used the encouragement to be a “big boy” and praised him. But the little one says “I’m not a big boy, I’m still tiny!” and seems to want to stay in diapers. He’s honestly getting too big for the largest diapers! He will occasionally sit and has successfully gone a few times, but most of the time just refuses to try. I don’t want to force him and cause issues and stress. Should I wait? His preschool keeps making hints that we should have him trained by now. He also has an expressive speech delay that he is making great progress in speech therapy with, so I’m wary of putting more stress on him now.

My spouse undermines me with the children very absent-mindedly. I have made it clear several times that I do not want my children to eat in their bedroom because of the crumbs on their carpet. Sometimes I come home from work and see crumbs and juice boxes in the kids’ room and it gives me “the cat is away so the mice will play” feeling. My concern is that Daddy always gets all the “cool” points for being more lenient and me, the mean ol’ mom, gets to be less of crowd favorite and more of a rule enforcer. How can I express that I need more support from my husband? I don’t want to sound whiny, but I’m tired of being the mean parent because my husband thinks it’s ok to have less rules when I’m away.

My preschool aged daughter refuses certain foods. She won’t even give certain veggies a try, but instead shuns them and begs for snacks. She is so stubborn that I get afraid (despite pediatrician saying she is healthy) she isn’t eating enough! How can I get veggies to become more appealing to a picky 4 year old?

As the mother of a toddler girl, I spend a time lot reading about the impact of media and social messages on young girls. The majority of what I seem to read focuses on avoiding topics like categorizing people by weight/appearance, and focusing compliments away from weight/appearance and on strength/smarts/effort instead. I am in my early 30s and grew up in a house that did just this for the most part. I was complimented when I worked hard on projects, played a sport well, earned high grades, etc. But I was never helped along in the appearance department by my parents. We ate relatively healthy foods at family dinner, but I was never advised to consider my activity level and calorie intake together, which meant that in my 20s I struggled to maintain a healthy diet and weight. I was NEVER complimented on my appearance, and I spent at least a decade trying to figure out how to feel beautiful and choose clothes and hair styles that complimented my natural features. I feel like my folks went overboard in avoiding these topics, but what I read now as a mom still reinforces that you can’t compliment a child’s appearance, you have to say they are “strong on those monkey bars” etc. Is it possible that we are going too far in the other direction? I want to have a positive relationship with my daughter as she grows up, not set her up to be weight-obsessed, or to seek affirmation of her beauty because her mom never gave her that. Can you weigh in on this?

I am still amazed at the woman a few weeks ago who is getting her Little One to floss, as well as the mom who started brushing teeth with her 14 month old!! We started brushing teeth when our child turned 2 (what is the right age??) and she is all over the place. She is struggling to hold the tooth brush the correct way, and ends up sucking the (kid’s) toothpaste off the brush instead of brushing. We help her and talk about it a lot, and she has made some advances, but it is a challenge, no doubt. We are trying to keep it light and fun to keep her interested in doing it. Are there repercussions from this approach? When are you supposed to take them to the dentist for the first time? Thank you! I love your chats!

6 yo son has been talking incessantly about a girl and two boys in class who enjoy discussing body parts. Questions about breasts abound; we answer. The girl in question asked to see his penis. When asked how he responded, he ducked his head (preeeeeeeeeeetty sure he complied). Reiterated which body parts are ours alone or ok for family to see during changing/bathing, etc, which aren’t, touching, etc. Other than asking more questions about his day and checking that he’s not flashing his parts around, is that the end? Do we contact the teacher to keep an eye out? Do we give names of the other kids (because while I know body interest is perfectly normal in first graders, something about her asking and the words she used just seems off).