My 3 year old apparently has some rituals that he must complete at school or he loses his mind and tantrums until he’s able to finish them. He doesn’t do it at home and school is asking for tips on how to move past this. At home, when he insists on doing something that isn’t in the plan for the day, he tantrums, we let him work it out and then we move on. This is a lot harder at school with other kids around. We’ve also learned that he’s managed to train his teachers to take him for walks rather than join the school for presentations and special speakers. Any suggestions for us and them on how to help him move past this?
Hmmmm, compulsive behaviors in a 3 yo….hmmm….
I need to know more.
Was he always like this? (rigid,etc)
When did it begin?
Was there a trauma or transition (and going to school can be that) or any other changes (good or bad) recently?
How long do the tantrums last at home?
Have they allowed any tantrums at school? How long do they allow the tantrums?
Is he afraid of crowds everywhere?
IS he sensitive to light, sound, touch?
Start there and bring in your ped…
I am the father of an amazing son and daughter, but my concern is that my daughter is dating a boy who will only hurt her chances at having a good life. He drinks, smokes and parties constantly. And he constantly flirts with woman even in the company of my daughter. I’ve tried bringing this to her attention, but she simply brushes it off. Is there any way to convince my daughter that this boy is no good? Or simply find a way to keep these two separated?
Oh man, you have my full empathy here. It is maddening to watch your children make decisions like this…
I am going to ask you to switch your goal here.
Everything in you wants to get your daughter away from the boy, but I want you to focus instead on keeping your daughter in your orbit. This requires you to lessen the criticism of the man and up the connection with your daughter.
Do whatever you can to keep her close to you…trips, dinners, hanging out, (yes, maybe go shopping here and there)…whatever…it doesn’t matter. Trying to get you to make your relationship about the two of you and not struggle.
When you have her with you, get curious about this man. Ask her why she likes him and withhold the judgement. Become a listener. Strong listener and strong empathizer. And absolutely have the boyfriend over as much as you can. Make dinner and invite him (keep your enemies closer thinking here) and try to remain a strong and welcoming presence.
I know you want better for your daughter, but unless she is in grave danger (and keep your eyes and ears peeled), any strict boundaries will push her more into the arms of this guy, and we don’t want that.
Can you share your concerns with her? Sure, but you have to feel out the situation…she has to WANT to hear them (at least a little bit).
God luck, let me know how it is going.
My husband and I are in the process of buying a house. Our daughter starts kindergarten in the fall, so we want to get settled before she starts elementary school. She has attended the same preschool/daycare since she was two. It’s a wonderful, closeknit group of families and kids, and many of the kids will be going to the same elementary school next year. We’re under contract on a house in a different district, and we’ve talked about what that means, she’ll get to decorate her own room, have pets, etc. She has expressed a desire a few times to attend the same school that her friends will be attending. We have told her that we need to see where we buy a house, and emphasized that she’ll make lots of new friends, and she’ll still be able to see her old friends if they want to, and framed it as positively as we can. We have driven past the school that she’s likely to attend a few times and pointed out how neat the building looked and how big the playground was. I know that once she’s in her new school, she will likely be fine. It’s the intervening months that I’m concerned about right now. How do we address this from now until August?
Deep breath. We are going to chill the bones a little here.
You are such a considerate and loving parent (thank gosh!) that you are at the brink of overdoing it.
Here’s the deal: even good transitions bring some insecurity. On one hand, a new house is fun! On the other hand, you have to say goodbye to what you know. On one hand, new friends! On the other hand, many goodbyes. On one hand, new school and building! On the other hand, unfamiliarity. That is the gig, and no matter how much you prepare her, you cannot skip the excitement and sadness, so don’t.
Go ahead and welcome ALL of the feelings (likely you have them, too), and talk about them. Say, “Man, I am so excited fo this new street, but I am really going to miss Mrs. Roberts and her little dog down the block.”
Saying this aloud will help your daughter see that a) it is okay to have mixed feelings and b) mommy and daddy have them, too.
And when she cries and feels sad, let it out.
Also, give a head’s up the school that she has experienced a move (they will want to know), and as much as possible, find out who her teacher will be and reach out with little notes, pictures, and lists of favorite things from your daughter, and ask the teacher for the same in return. This will help ease the transition…
Remember, she is paying 100% attention to YOUR energy, so keep it real, keep it authentic, don’t cheerlead, and don’t mope.
Be…human.
Our 10 year old is prone to throwing tantrums when things don’t go the way he wants. We thought he would have grown out of this by now. He has ADHD combined type, and we try to make sure he eats enough protein to keep him on a somewhat even keel. Frequently screen time or sugar make him more likely to have a meltdown, so we try to limit those as best we can. We don’t give in to his demands, and he loses privileges if he carries on too much. Any other thoughts on what might be going on?
I am going to ask you to seek out some more professional help. Go back to his doctors and ask for behavioral supports for you the parents and HIM.
In the meanwhile, pick up Hallowell’s books (they are excellent) and well as Gabor Mate’s book “Scattered.”
One thing that rarely works with many ADHD kiddos is losing privileges, esp. if he is already so frustrated that he is tantruming.
And also: GOOD ON YOU FOR SEEING THE SUGAR and TECH RELATIONSHIPS! So important.
Get more support!
xoxo
Hi Meghan, thanks so much for your great advice! Our 2.5 year old is having a terrible time with sleep. We had to transition him to a toddler bed at around 2 and we’ve had a terrible time ever since. Even when he sleeps through the night (questionable) he’s still waking up way too early – 5 or 5:30 – and our attempts to get him back to bed get no results. We’ve tried everything – moving his bedtime, trying to shorten his nap (difficult with the day care, now we’re at 2 hours), leading him back to bed, using a toddler gate to keep him in his room, telling him we’ll shut his bedroom door if he gets up or makes noise. We’re at our wit’s end and suffering greatly from lack of sleep. Any advice for us? I even let him sleep in bed with me while on a trip and when his dad was away, but that is not sustainable as he still wakes up early and I don’t get a good night’s sleep. Please help!
I’ll let Meghan add in here, but I’m thinking 5 or 5:30 after a full night of sleep isn’t totally unheard of. Mine did that, and as much as we hated those wake up times, we realized they’re just wired that way. They’re older now and still are early risers. I never learned how to make them sleep later, no matter how the bedtime changed, what the nap was like, etc. Meghan?
I am with Amy here…welcome to the pre-dawn hours, friend.
And I am NOT a happy person that early, so I feel your frustration, but you will feel a heckuva lot better if you stop fighting this tooth and nail.
DO NOT shut him into his room, ever. Let’s take that off of the table. That kind of separation causes panic…it will make everything WAY worse.
What would I do?
Bring him into bed, turn on Sesame street and I would sleep another hour.
I always *hated* it when adults came back with all the positives when I was upset/nervous about something. You’d hate it if you had to move for your husband’s job and all Husband did was say how wonderful it is. I know it comes from a good heart as you don’t want your daughter to see it only as a bad thing. But kids are the same as adults – they need the space and kindness to be allowed their negative feelings or they’ll think they’re in the wrong or you do’t understand and will shut down.
Truth.
Hi Meghan – My oldest son is in the Pre-K class of our neighborhood play-based preschool. This is his third year there and we love it. The school is a second home for us. The teachers are loving, kind, and capable. My son is a bright, silly, empathetic little boy who is full of energy. He thrives there. He has started to be upset at a situation at school, which I have spoken to his teacher about as well. There is one boy in the class, who for no particular reason, is picked on by a large group of his classmates. My son is often in the middle – he tells me he wants to play with everyone, but his friends tell him they won’t play with him if he plays with this other boy. After days of being picked on, sometimes this child lashes out by pushing or spitting, and sometimes my son gets hit. My son has never been injured, and the teacher always addresses this situation immediately. My son and this other boy who is being picked on play well together when it is just the two of them, and his teacher has assured me that neither of them are the aggressor or instigator in this situation. She told me that she tries to support the other boy to stand up for himself and use his words, and to diffuse situations when he is being picked on. She also praises my son when he is kind to the boy. My son is often upset about this situation after school – upset that his friends are excluding another kid, and upset that this child often lashes out at him when he is trying to be his friend. I know this situation is likely to replay itself many times in his life – but five years old seems to be so little to be dealing with this. I also know this situation is likely much harder for the family of the child who is being singled out – but it is also hard for my son. In our family, we value being kind and serving others. How do I encourage my son to stand up for someone who is being picked on? How do I support him in what has become a fairly stressful situation for him? Thank you always for your thoughtful responses. Your advice has made a big impact in our family.
This is not your son’s job. My remaining neutral, he is doing the best he can and he cannot be expected to do more.
The child who is being picked on needs to stay closer to an adult. He needs more protection. It is unreasonable for the school to expect him to defend himself against a group, nor is it reasonable to expect the group to change (at least not quickly).
The school needs to take the bullied kid under the wing and break up the group of kids by giving them more explicit activites (not lectures about friendship). They need more leadership.
How do you know if your child is a super taster or has a reason, beyond being a kid, for picky eating? My daughter is 4 and a half and is a very finiky eater. No sauce on noodles, very few vegetables, almost no meat, mostly milk, fruit and bread; she will not accept food that is processed beyond slicing, boiling or steaming; No herbs and spices, except salt; and the list goes on. We have tried every trick in the book and our hope she will grow out of this is fading fast. Should we investigate this further, push our pediatrician to test her for allergies, or just give up on cooking one meal for dinner for the next 14 years?
I don’t know…
What does she SAY about the food as she is trying or eating? Is she having truly huge reactions to the consistency and taste or does it feel like she is bossing you around and you are acquiescing? Is this across the board, everywhere? Has she been like this since day 1? What happens when you refuse her special food? And not for one day, but for a whole week, and serve wholesome food, some she will eat…some might be out of her comfort zone.
Does she has any other sensitivities?
It is absolutely possible she has extra EXTRA taste buds, so there is no harm asking your pediatrician!
In the meanwhile, make the simple dinner you want with a side for her. Concentrate on enjoying the food and each other. Say nothing about getting her to eat, etc. Serve her everything and allow her to choose.
xoxo
Are mothers now using internet connections to find the “village” ? Is this really as effective as having close friends and family to support you as you raise young children?
Ummm, well.
Humans are built and meant to be in proximity with those they love for ultimate attachment and growth, but there is no doubt that groups on the internet can provide much love, support, laughs, and tears. The best situation is to have BOTH!
🙂
The 3 year old could be having greater issues, but is this simply a matter of preschool teachers not handling the situation properly. Is the boy doing this routine to make himself feel better and safer? And the parent said the boy had “trained” his teacher to take him for walks. Honestly, this sounds like a kid who for whatever reason, needs a degree of control at school to feel better about things. My now-sixteen year old son was very attached to routines, and he hated it if a change was just sprung on him. This might be easily solved if the teachers just take an extra moment with this kid to prepare him if he needs to change his routine. And maybe he likes taking walks instead of sitting for a presentation – at that age, my son would have sat, but not my daughter! The boy is just 3!
YES! Thank you for the idea of letting the child know what is coming…a bit of preparation can go a long way.
Complex and rigid routines can be a sign of some sensory or asberger’s/autism stuff, too…so please be sure to listen to your gut and seek out help. Support and info is power…
And, since he’s three, it could also be (and is most likely) completely normal behavior.
When my 5yo only-child daughter gets very tired or very frustrated about not getting her way, she hits us. She doesn’t seem to be hitting at school, just at home. We’ve been doing time outs, but she doesn’t respect them at all and we literally have to sit with her and bear hug her to keep her in time out. She’s always been a hitter and we’ve been trying to deal with it since she was a toddler. We’re very frustrated and don’t know where to go from here. Counseling?
NO NO NO NO NO NO more time-out’s.
The hitting is a sign of frustration, and forcing her to sit is ADDING to the frustration.
Frustration PLUS frustration = MORE FRUSTRATION.
Am I saying that you should allow yourself to be hit? NO. Lovingly and firmly stop the hitting, don’t speak a ton (she cannot hear it, she is too upset), and wait until she calms down. This may mean sitting on the couch or floor with her, but do not time-out her anymore.
I have a 3.5 yr old and a 1.5 yr old. What is the best way to handle the older one “tattling’ on the younger one? These seem to be minor offenses to me, but i know the older one feels wronged or hurt.
When the older says, “Roger is hitting me, Mommy!” You say, “Oh where? Let me kiss it.”
Don’t go get Roger or make a big deal or punish anyone.
Then assess if they cannot be left alone…because guess what? They are not going to get better when left to their own devices.
The tattling will come and go, try not to let it get to you. 🙂