Q: Our 14-year-old son just started at a co-ed high school after nine years at an all-boys school. Historically he was not very social, keeping one or two close friends and avoiding larger parties and groups. During these first few weeks at the new school, he has become very friendly with several other ninth-grade students. We even think he may be “dating” one of the girls, with whom he exchanges Snapchat texts often. He now is asking for a lot of privacy, a lot more screen time (for social apps) and more privileges without supervision, which we haven’t encountered — and frankly haven’t had to monitor — until now. We want to encourage him socially and respect his privacy while making certain that we keep him safe. It pains me to read articles about children being targeted online by strangers as well as bullied by kids they know — and I fear the worst, especially not having any visibility to the social media interaction. And Snapchat is impossible to monitor. Additionally, we do not know anyone (parents or kids) at this new school yet, and we made a conscious decision to not be as involved in the new school because of how active and present we were at the last one. We believe we have a very good relationship with our son; we have discussed online expectations, positive social interactions, and touched on sexuality, alcohol and drug use, and he knows he can talk to us about absolutely anything. But he is starting to share less and ask for more. Do you have any advice as we navigate this new territory of more privileges, waning supervision and an increasingly private teen?
A: Welcome to the chaotic, wonderful and slightly terrifying club known as “the teen years.” The rules of this club are as follows: 1) no one (caregiver) knows what to do or has all of the answers, 2) the teens are actually all right, 3) the technology cannot be tamed and still cannot be ignored, and 4) connection (in all the ways) is king.
As the parent of a teen, you will find that our culture has largely dropped you like a hot potato. Other than driving him around, giving him money, constantly feeding him and swatting his gaming console and phone out of his hand, you may feel like a guest in your own home. Worse, an unwelcome guest and the guest who is footing the bill. It is easy to feel isolated: How do you turn to a friend or an acquaintance and ask: “I am nervous about my son’s burgeoning sex life and the amount his bedroom door is closed; the change feels overnight. You, too?” So, you are left to the news (terrifying), social media feeds (more terrifying and comparative), some family (the advice is outdated and even dangerous) and experts (they are so clinical). Yikes.
So, yes, your son is right on time for romance and connection. His hormones are raging, he is exposed to the opposite sex for the first time and the Snaps and TikToks are only strengthening the real and imagined connections he is making in school. A whole new world has opened up to him (after the years of single-sex education), and the timing couldn’t be more perfect. Hormones plus new school plus girls plus social media equals a buffet for the senses. It’s a heady time. And if you close your eyes and remember what it was to be 14 — that first time someone attractive noticed you or wanted to talk to you or said you were attractive or joked around with you — it was like a drug. It is powerful and there is nothing wrong with any of it.
You are already ahead of the game in many ways, and I really want you to have some faith in the groundwork you have laid. You have a good relationship with your son, you have talked about[…]
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