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Q: We have an extremely bright 9-year-old boy. (He tests off the charts.) We recently moved to a new city, and our son has adjusted really well. Before the move, my husband and I told him that in the new city we’d like to start attending a church in our faith on a regular basis, which we hadn’t been doing. After two months of dragging him to church on Sundays, he says he doesn’t believe in God, doesn’t share our faith and doesn’t want to go anymore. We’re not sure if we should push the issue and put our foot down, or accept his decision. If he were older, I’d be more willing to accept that our path is not his path, but he is only 9. On the other hand, he’s smart enough to know his own opinion. How do we reconcile this?
A: Wow, what an interesting question. I love the sensitivity, thoughtfulness and consideration you show.
I read your question, “How do we reconcile this?” and cocked my head. I don’t know. I have much ambivalence, just like you do.
On one hand, you are essentially springing religion on him after nine years. Faith, religion and spirituality are a sticky business all on their own, so when we add their sudden appearance, you can understand your son’s apprehension.
But on the other hand, providing your child the tradition of a faith practice is your right as a parent. It may have been easier to begin this tradition when your son was born, but here we are. Although we cannot force anyone to believe in anything, no matter the age, your son is also not a teenager. He is not in charge of the family traditions.
But he has the right to be heard, respected and not pushed or coerced. Not only are you forcing him to attend church, but you are also doing it on the heels of a transition: the move. He is making new friends and getting to know his new community, and now he is being asked to believe in God.
Of course, many (but not all) faiths can provide a wonderful community. With opportunities to join youth groups, volunteer, meet other families and more, faith and houses of faith have been the pillars of communities for almost as long as humans have lived in groups.
So, what do you do?
Find something in the middle. First, accept that this faith issue is primarily about you and your spouse. Your son is 9, which means he may have an opinion now, but that can change, too. While you of course want your family to attend church together, it would behoove you and your spouse to work out a way to practice your faith as individuals.
Second, respect that your son does not share your faith (and it sounds as though you know that already). But even in doing that, you can work out a livable schedule for everyone in the family.
One idea would be to call a family meeting and create a calendar regarding church attendance. For instance, maybe your son attends church twice a month, and during the other weeks, you trade off staying home with your son with your spouse.
I would also consider making faith and religion a little more interesting. While you and your spouse are reentering your faith (and it is already a known entity to you), consider exposing your son to other religions. This is not an attempt to turn your son into a believer, but it could be a wonderful way to show him the historical and contemporary importance of religion and world events (the good and bad of it).
Be open to his opinions while staying in charge of the family. It’s not easy, but keep this dance respectful, kind and loving. That’s what faith should be about, right?
Send questions about parenting tomeghan@mlparentcoach.com.
Also at washingtonpost.com Read a transcript of a recent live Q&A with Leahy at washingtonpost.com/advice , where you can also find past columns.