Q: My sensitive and often intense 4-year-old is having a moment. Whining and tantrums have been an on-again off-again vibe with him, and we had hit a chill spell for a few months but the past few weeks have been pretty melty — tons of whining, random crying because he wanted to close the door (not Mom!), etc. It’s unclear if it’s a) life; b) him picking up on Mom’s work/life stress (a lot has been going on); or c) that his 16-month-old brother has fully entered the family and is now a dancing, singing, talking ball of joy and he’s feeling the feelings about that. My money is on c.
My husband and I have been mostly trying to roll with his emotions (mirror, validate, keep it moving) but one behavior has been particularly upsetting. During downtimes or transitions when we’re not paying full attention to our older son, he often uses that time to physically mess with his brother. This includes trying to block him from entering a door, deliberately standing in his way, knocking him over while dancing, or randomly play slapping. When this happens, I try to pick up our older son and bring him to another space, but my husband has recently resorted to going upstairs and putting him in his room and threatening to punish him with various unrelated consequences. We’re trying at the same time to also give him the needed attention and love as preventive maintenance, but this one behavior is troubling to us and something we really want to find a way to nip in the bud or redirect more effectively.
A: Thank you for writing; isn’t it fun having two young children? While this stage can be physically and emotionally exhausting, please know that you are not alone in parenting a sensitive child. And you are also not alone in the stress of raising two young children while you work; please try not to beat yourself up about it. It is hard work trying to find that elusive balance.
As for your eldest son, it’s important to remember that 4 is one of the most intense ages of young childhood. He is still little, but his personality is shining through more and more every day. His language has taken leaps forward, his ability to wait is growing and his desire to be understood is strong.
What you also see, though, is that when exhaustion, hunger, illness or jealousy come into play, it is easy for your son to lose his patience. This frustration (which he isn’t conscious of and doesn’t choose) comes out in whining and tantrums. And since little brother is now able to take up space in all the ways little brothers do, your older son is showing he is still too immature to handle this very well. This isn’t misbehavior or even something punishable; it’s just two immature humans in the same orbit and competing for attention.
It sounds like there is a lot of loving parenting happening, so let’s run some interference and do some boundary holding. The simplest way to parent these ages is to divide and conquer. Note, I said the simplest, not the easiest. I know it isn’t reasonable to think that you or your spouse can each take one child all of the time, but if you can find a way to work this out as much as possible, you will create a lot more ease in your family. Also, look for what […]
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