A while back I had asked about my granddaughter, who just turned 4. I want her to take ballet as her mother, her aunts, and her 20-year-old cousin did. Her mother has no objection, but it is a time management problem. I can’t offer to drive as I live 5 hours away. One of you said that you did not think ballet was important. I’d like to know why. Almost every little girl I know of whose family could afford ballet has taken it for at least a year, and most also make a yearly trip to see a Nutcracker, whether professional or amateur. I am NOT talking anything vaguely like what you see on Dance Moms, which I think is horrid, and I would never choose a school like Abby Lee’s. More like Bunheads, if anything. I think it gives a child poise, grace, good posture, a sense of rhythm, a tiny touch of a foreign language, and many other gifts that will help her grow up into a more rounded person. Why don’t you?

A: Meghan Leahy

Hi there! Thanks for writing in again.

So, I love ballet. I have a daughter who has been dancing ballet for 9 years (without a break) and has performed in SIX Nutcracker shows.

I am not sure I said ballet was unimportant, and if I did, I misspoke.

But we could swap out ballet for almost any other activity and sing its praises. Soccer, drawing, language, you name it. All valuable. All could potentially grow a child into a more rounded person.

Or not.

It is not the activity alone, per se, that brings maturity to a child.

It is the special alchemy of that child AND the activity.

I took every conceivable activity known to man as a child and quit them all. You name it, I tried it.

I liked them all, they didn’t hurt me (mostly, tennis was pretty awful though), some of them even DID round me out and teach me about practice and hard work. But not until I clicked with singing (at the ripe age of 15) did the activity help me become more of myself.

Your granddaughter is 4. Ballet is lovely and unnecessary at her age. And your ability to do anything other than send the money is out of your hands. The family will either find the time or they won’t.

Personally, I would offer to take the child for a long weekend while the parents get away with the ballet money. More a gift to everyone! (and you can happily take your grand daughter to lessons and shows).

I have a sweet, expressive nephew who is 19 months old and not saying much at all. He is pointing and likes to play and be with others. His parents said that the MD says it is common for a child exposed to two languages to be delayed and will revisit the issue when he is 2 years old. Is there anything I can do to help him? He’s not even saying mom or dad or any words.

A: Meghan Leahy

Keep reading and speaking with him, with lots of smiles.

If the parents have a good doctor, that is all that be done at this point. I would look at hearing, firstly. If that is checking out, I do know that multi-language children can take longer, so I wouldn’t worry yet…but I would be in a close relationship with the doc.

If the doc seems to blow off these issues as the months progress, I would find a new one.

When you mentioned this in your column today, it really rang a bell. What do you do when the neighborhood boys are very sweet and VERY badly supervised (7 year olds out alone at 11 PM; firearms loaded and left out for them to play with levels of badly supervised). I don’t mind them playing with my boys in my fenced backyard (OK, I worry a little), but I cannot and will not let my boys near their home or out of my sight with them. It isn’t their fault their family is… whatever it is. How can I be kind and keep my family safe and let my boys know that this isn’t OK? Thank you.

A: Amy Joyce

Firearms loaded? Is this a joke? Please let this be a joke.

A: Meghan Leahy

I would call the authorities.

Firearms left out is a danger to the entire community.

I would also move.

I am not even kidding.

Someone is going to get shot, sooner rather than later and if someone isn’t shot, it will be a miracle.

Be kind by keeping your children away from the house and be calling the authorities. STAT.

Not a question, exactly, but I wanted to thank Megan for sharing her experience as a child who tried every conceivable activity but didn’t stick with one until relatively later. This describes my daughter (age 14) to a T. At various times she has been in gymnastics, softball, swimming and has also taken piano, clarinet and viola. She starts out enthusiastic and gradually loses interest, which has been a huge source of frustration for me, as I would love for her to find that one sport or activity that “clicks.” Thanks for reassuring me that it might happen at some point (and it’s probably okay if it doesn’t, as she is a happy, well-adjusted kid).

A: Amy Joyce
 Great to hear.

We’re sending our newly minted two year old to preschool this fall (two mornings a week – 8-12:30) and I’m wondering about some strategies to help her transition. She’s an observer and tends to get overwhelmed in large groups, particularly if other kids are in her physical space. She’s done great in large groups where an adult is around to be a safe haven to explore from (and where we can pull her out when she’s clearly starting to get overwhelmed). I’ve already seen her push other kids away if they won’t let her back away. She’s not aggressive at all, just needs space. Can you recommend some ways for us to help her with the transition (including discussions we might have with the school?) The school is pretty calm and has things she finds interesting – plus, there’s good kid/adult ratios. We just know that we can’t just dump her in to this new setting.

A: Meghan Leahy

The tough part with a two year old is that any talking you do is largely lost on her.

Her brain does not have the ability to take in too much info and retain it.

A two year old is ruled by her emotions and that is going to be what you get.

So, what helps a two yo? If she sees you smiling, hugging, shaking hands, chatting, nodding and having a good time with the teachers and directors, she will begin to see this as her attachment village (a larger group of people she can trust). So, go out of your way to connect to these people. Get pictures with them so you can look at them later with your child. Talk about them when you are not with them, “Miss Lauren LOVES pizza, just like you!” or “Mr. Robert eats apples, too.” Simple connections of similarity.

Also, send her with some lovies from home that go to the sense. Blankies, stuffies, pictures, something of yours with your perfume, whatever works. It will give her something to hold on to when she is away from you.

And be willing to give this time. Allow all of the tears and some major fatigue. Don’t worry if she appears to feel more connected to them than you.

🙂

My daughter is smart, healthy, and is generally a good sister and friend. However, she has times when she completely falls apart and explodes. She is more “moody” and I can work with that but how can I help her/guide her to stay calm? Truth be told, I have not always been the most calm parent but I have improved a great deal and try really hard to set a good example. Also, I’m not sure how I can deal with her when she is like this – send her to her room, walk way, what?

A: Meghan Leahy

Great questions!

As hard as it is, resist the urge to send her to her room or walk away.

If an exit needs to be made, let it be you (in a compassionate manner)

I know that many parents balk at this, but when a child has BIG emotions and we banish them, it says, “When your feelings are scary or frustrating or inconvenient, I cannot handle them as the parent. And I only like you when you are GOOD.”

While everyone loves a “good” child, this is not life.

So, see the explosive daughter as a hurting daughter. Stay close and quiet. Feel the right time to come in with a hug. Feel the right time to be speak.

And when you speak, mirror what you are seeing. “Wow, you seem angry.” Her reactions will help guide you.

Just keep going with her…these big moods will ebb and flow with her development. Keep holding on to her…

Hi there. I have a son who will be barely four when preschool starts next month. He’s never been in a school environment, but has done childcare twice weekly since he was born. I’m starting to get worried that he will not like (and therefore fight going to) preschool. Are there any things we can try to get him ready for this? And yes, we are considering waiting a year, but are leaning towards starting school. Thanks.

A: Meghan Leahy

1) Ask the school what they do to connect to the child.

2) Ask to meet with the teacher WITH your child ahead of time, do lots of chatting and smiling, etc.

3) Ask to see the classroom before school begins with child. Take lots of pics and review them at home.

4) Don’t cheerlead or worry. Just accept that there will be tears and resistance at different points in this transition. Allow this to be normal.

5) Keep going! Lot of hugs will be needed…

Thanks for the suggestions. I hate to send her super special lovies (since they’re needed for sleep!), but there’s some others that would probably love being her “school friends.” And fortunately, we were able to arrange things so that either mom or her much-beloved nanny will be able to pick her up from school and let her relax/decompress a bit.

A: Meghan Leahy

Yes. You are on the right track! Just be sure to get those second-tier lovies all loved up with your family smells before they go off to school!

And as long as you and the nanny know that she may save up all of her worst behaviors for the two of you…you are the safe harbor, so be ready for that. DO NOT take it personally.

Good luck!

By way of a comment, not a question… I am a gun-person, a former competitive pistol shooter, a shooting enthusiast, and a bit of collector. There is absolutely no way my kids will be in a house with firearms that are not secured – loaded or not. It is far too easy for a curious kid, no matter how well trained, to violate the safety rules. The reason that safe gun-handling has multiple rules is that you have to break more than one of them to have an accident that harms somebody. But careless handling by either a child or grown-up can go from safe to deadly in fractions of a second. Firearms MUST be properly secured, and particularly so in a house with kids. There may not be enough there to report to authorities, depending on jurisdictions, but there is certainly enough to keep a kid far away.

A: Meghan Leahy

Hear hear!

And the jurisdiction issue is a real one.

A call to the authorities, though, could be enough to place it on the radar of local authorities…and with the number of fatal accidental shootings and children in the country (as of late), I am guessing that the local authorities would want to know about a household where A) guns are not secured and B) the parents are not watching their kids well.

Recipe for disaster.

Find this over on The Washington Post.

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