Q: I have an 11-year-old daughter and 7-year-old son. I got divorced about a year ago and started dating a guy right after separation. I find myself wanting to spend more time with my boyfriend than the kids. I feel relaxed and calm with him at his place. When I get home, looking at the kids, being with them, makes me anxious, and I start having fears of whether I’m doing the right things.
My children stay with me and are with their dad at certain times. Mostly, my kids are home and desperate for me to be home rather than having them spend time with their dad. At the same time, I don’t want to introduce the kids to my boyfriend until we are sure we’re going forward. And the kids are not even ready to accept a new person in their lives. I feel as if I’m in the middle of everything.
A: First, let me say that I appreciate your honesty. It is not uncommon for parents to look at their children and feel exhausted and anxious; they often just won’t admit it. In your letter, you have numerous issues happening at the same time: You have a new relationship that makes you feel relaxed and calm, you prefer his company to your children’s, the children prefer your company over their father’s, the children haven’t met your boyfriend, and you feel as if you are in some kind of limbo with it all.
When you have this many issues, you need to start with one thing at a time. For instance, you could decide that it’s time for your children to meet your boyfriend.
It seems as if you’ve been separated for about a year and have been with your boyfriend for about the same time. This may be a decision you can make together. Maybe he doesn’t sleep over at first, but you ease him into your life, so you can enjoy both halves of your life together. If he is a relaxing and calm presence, he may be good for the whole family dynamic. Just be sure to […]
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