Q: My 11-year-old granddaughter is a “mean” girl to her 4-year-old sister and is always telling her to stop or be quiet. She says she hates her sister and that she gets all the attention. How can we encourage her to be a better big sister? Is there a book we can share with her?
A: Thank you for writing. I want you to know how much I appreciate grandparents writing in. Children are meant to be raised in a community of family members and other loving people, and I am always heartened when I see a grandparent write in.
As for your granddaughter, it must not feel good to watch her be unkind to her little sister. The difference in maturity is obvious and it is natural to feel like she should know better. This feeling of wanting her to take care of her little sister (rather than be unkind) is what developmental psychologist Gordon Neufeld refers to as the “alpha dynamic.” Similar to wolves or our other mammal counterparts, there is a natural inclination for an older child to take care of and protect younger children. When that alpha dynamic is out of balance, it results in bullying, unkindness and controlling behavior, which we see in children often. We also see it in adults; just look around at the adult bullies in your life!
When we see this type of behavior, our inclination is to “nip it in the bud” by saying: “Hey, knock it off! That’s not nice.” A natural sense of guilt may then occur and they might hug the younger child, apologize and not repeat the behavior. Perhaps you have corrected, lectured and punished your 11-year-old granddaughter’s behavior and, though it may pause for a moment, soon she’s right back at it. Do I have that right?
When you see this, the alpha is out of balance. This is not because your 11-year-old granddaughter wants to be mean to her little sister. Your older granddaughter feels out of control and has admitted to feeling jealous. She has an unmet need that results in […]
View this full article on The Washington Post
Looking for more parenting support? Click Here.
Sign up for my Newsletter here to get this in your inbox every week!