My son came out to me. How can I best support him?

Q: My 13-year-old recently came out to me and said I’m the only person he has told, including his dad/my husband. I was, quite honestly, surprised and had no idea. My response was love, acceptance and comfort. It was an honest response, but the truth is, I don’t know how to best support him. He has asked me “not to get involved,” which I want to respect, and I told him he can always come to me when he’s ready. I’ve stressed to him that being a teenager is difficult enough and that he may need support on navigating being a gay teen. In typical teen fashion, he gave me the head nod and the “okay.” What more can I do to be an advocate and support him without violating his trust and still abiding by what he’s asked of me? Thank you for any insight.

A: In a time when many things feel scary and fraught, getting a letter about how to be more supportive and a better advocate for your son is a balm for my weary soul. It wasn’t too long ago that I was getting letters from parents asking how to “handle” their LGBTQ+ tweens and teens. You have recognized that your son doesn’t need to be handled or controlled; he simply needs to be believed, accepted and loved. And given that you were surprised by his news, your note is even more encouraging.

There’s no doubt your son’s future will be filled with questions and heartbreak (whose isn’t?), but your role is to stay on his side. You cannot sidestep pain or worry, and you cannot guarantee that his journey will be filled with ease, but by staying present and being supportive, you ensure that home is an emotionally and physically safe place for your son. People can withstand a great deal of heartache and adversity if home is a safe place to land, and this is especially true for gay youth.

I sent this note to Uchenna Umeh, a.k.a. Dr. Lulu, a pediatrician and specialist in parenting LGBTQ+ children, and she highlights the importance of remembering that his growth and maturation is a process. “Know that you are already checking most of the necessary boxes by doing the above (loving and accepting him),” Umeh says. “Indeed, it is a process, and your child might themselves not know or fully understand everything yet, and that is okay.”

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Just as you feel unsure of your footing, so, too, does your son. You’re both figuring this out as you go, so take it easy. His dismissal of your help with the nod and the “okay” is typical for his age. Instead, “allowing [your son] to lead as you follow with curiosity is best,” Umeh says. “They should be our teachers, and we, in turn, should be patient, affirming and allow them to ‘come out’ and express themselves as they feel works best for them.” When you take yourself off the hook for knowing and doing everything “right” and use curiosity instead, you allow life to unfold more naturally.

As you continue to acclimate to this news, please get support for yourself. There are outstanding people such as Umeh, who can be found on Instagram @askdoctorlulu, on TikTok @uuchenna and on Twitter @UchennaUmeh9. On Facebook, you can connect with her in her safe, private group for parents, Positively Parenting Your LGBTQ* Child(ren). There are also online resources, such as mykidisgay.com, and groups that meet near you, which you can find at pflag.org/find-a-chapter.

Find this over on The Washington Post.

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