Dear Meghan: How do I deal with my two kids’ insistence that everything is perfectly equal between them? I have two girls, ages 3 and almost 6. For such a long time, my husband and I gave them “the same” thing, age permitting. I would set out the same plate of food, sometimes they were gifted the same toys and they each were read the same book. At the time, the younger one was very easygoing and in awe of her big sister, so it was easy and straightforward.
Now each kid has their own interests, food preferences, different things they want to play with, length of books they want to read and even clothing style differences. This is all great! But despite actually wanting different things, they insist on equality and go to great lengths to claim they got the “better” thing anytime it’s different.
This turns into a million fights a day and exasperation for us parents. Just this morning, one girl woke up first and wanted a bagel for breakfast. Then the other woke up and before seeing anything asked for cereal. Then they both are at the table and arguing over who won breakfast. I’m guessing this is something that comes along with sibling territory, but we are at the end of our rope.
Tired: Thank you for your note; you are not alone in struggling with making things equal for your children and the good news is you can stop doing this right now. As in: immediately. As in: yesterday. The sooner you stop creating or abetting any “perceived” equality between your children, the sooner the family can find some harmony.
When children are really little, doing everything “the same” for them makes sense. Why wouldn’t you want to streamline your routine and processes? Very young children take all of their cues from their parents, so if Daddy likes to read the same book every night, that is what the children want to do! The same with food, clothing, bedtime, you name it. It is a beautiful and simple time.
But as children begin to grow — beginning as early as age 2 or 3 — they rapidly differentiate from their parents. The only other time your child will seek to be like someone else is when puberty hits, and they want to be like their peers and friends. Otherwise, it is all aboard the independence train from here on out! And believe me, there isn’t a pediatrician or child psychologist who believes it’s healthy for siblings (three years apart, no less) to be on the same page with everything. And so, while your children are equal in receiving your love, human needs are never equally met. We want to welcome them to this reality sooner rather than later.
Your girls will continue to grow and change, so the real work here is one of leadership. Don’t worry, I am not going to pile on and tell you that you are doing a bad job; you aren’t. Instead, I want to empower you to find your boundaries and stick to them in a firm but flexible way.
To begin, both parents need to sit together and make a list of the hot-button items in the family. Choose one of the problems, like breakfast choices, and talk it out. What is easiest for both of you (not the children) every morning? This isn’t prison; you can consider their preferences, dietary needs, etc., but the point is that […]
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