My child wants to quit piano lessons. Do I let her?

Q: My 10-year-old started music lessons as a toddler and has been playing the piano for the past few years. She has (or, rather, was taught to have) a good ear for music. We expect 20 minutes of practice, six days per week, with one 30-minute lesson.

Every practice is a struggle; she will go out of her way to avoid doing it. We’ve seen tears, screams, sudden emergencies and a magical engrossment in something she believes I find more important than practice. (She’s smart, so think picking up a college chemistry book.)

Although I would be fine with her quitting piano, I feel as if it’s important to be developing/exploring skills outside of school. She’s welcome to switch instruments or move to another hobby, but she has to prove she will stick with it before quitting piano (only for a month or so).

She has no homework (her school is project-based), and I’m trying to avoid the hours of screen time every day after school. I don’t know what to do. Am I being too hard on her? A few chores per week and a short daily piano practice don’t seem like the end of the world, but maybe I’m not seeing the whole picture?

A: I can virtually guarantee that almost every parent who is reading this is nodding along. Playing piano, participating in soccer, drawing, swimming, you name it: Many children reach a point where what they started doing as toddlers no longer brings them joy. Serious avoidance, negotiations and tantrums ensue, creating total misery in the house and between the parent and child. Not to mention the waste of money and time.

I’m going to sidestep discussing what you expect right now and whether it’s reasonable (20 minutes a day, six days a week), because we have some bigger fish to fry. Let’s take a look at the developmental norms of a 10-year-old girl. (I make this assumption based on your pronoun use.) A typical 10-year-old girl may be still pretty young (physically), or she may be getting ready to have her period and starting those hormones.

Although girls tend to reach puberty more quickly than boys, every girl is different, and this development brings a heightened awareness of her peers, privacy and autonomy. Your daughter is meant to have her own thoughts, opinions and wishes. We don’t stop providing boundaries and rules for 10-year-olds, but we do recognize that it is their developmental work to find their own voice. To force, push and expect that our children won’t change or will want to do what they’ve always done is not reasonable, nor is it […]

View the full article in The Washington Post

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