Q: Our 2-year-old refuses to change out of her pajamas in the morning. I do my best not to make a game of it and thus reinforce the fun of refusing, but her stubbornness has escalated. No amount of teasing/tickling/silliness will distract her from refusing to get dressed. I’ve resorted to counting, and then time out/in, but then I get 15 minutes of screaming and crying followed by stubbornness. How do I win this psychological warfare?
A: This is an exasperating problem for parents everywhere. And every parent will tell you that your child will eventually dress themselves in normal clothes. It is important to remember this when times seem desperate.
So, how do we make it better for now?
When my eldest child was close to 3 years old, she refused to wear anything but pajamas. Every day I was begging, rewarding, threatening and eventually physically restraining her to put her clothes on. The screaming, hitting, and kicking and the despair were killing me. I began to loathe the morning routine and, yes, my child. I loved her to pieces, but the routine fighting was eroding my affection.
After a particularly bad morning, I locked myself in the bathroom and searched online for “Parenting Support.” Up popped PEP (the Parent Encouragement Program). I called the number and cried to the first person who answered. “My child will not put on any clothes. No pants, skirts or
T-shirts. Nothing.” The teacher asked me, without snark or judgment: “Why can’t your daughter stay in her pajamas?” It stopped me in my tracks. Although I wanted a technique or strategy to get my child dressed, this was the real issue: “Why am I obsessed with controlling what my child is wearing?”
Two-year-olds are ruled by emotions. They don’t care about the cute outfits. They don’t care that daytime clothes are different from nighttime clothes. They don’t care about how much money you’ve spent. Two-year-olds are creatures of comfort who will pursue what makes them feel good.
This is normal. In fact, most pediatricians will worry if a
2-year-old doesn’t give you any guff about decisions. The kind of pushback a 2-year-old gives you — “I won’t get dressed, I won’t eat that, I won’t walk to the car” — serves the developmental purpose of helping her become her own person. We cannot become independent people if we follow commands like robots. This isn’t a failure of your parenting skills or a failure of your child to “be good.”
Recognize that you are caught in a power struggle that may not be your fault but is now your responsibility. Identify what is no longer working (everything) and who has the power to stop the conflict (you).
I learned this metaphor at PEP: This parenting struggle is like a game of tug-of-war. Every time getting dressed comes up, you pick up the rope and offer one end to your child. Back and forth, back and forth, there are no winners. But what if you dropped your end of the rope? What if you said, “I am not going to fight with you?” (To really test this, see what happens when you “drop the rope” with adults in your life.)
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This forces you to take a hard look at how much you have been trying to control your child, and it may also bring on panicky thoughts (“My child will never wear the appropriate clothes” or “If she doesn’t listen to me now, she will never will!”). This fear, rational or not, keeps your brain in a panicked loop.
Here are ideas to help drop the rope:
• Two-year-olds want to be like the people around them. Try wearing the same type of clothes, colors or shoes as your daughter. Make it lighthearted and fun. Even if her pajamas are staying on, try to match a little. Your daughter will see joy in your eyes and will begin to lose her desire to fight with you.
• Start breezy discussions: “There are places where we wear pajamas and there are places where we wear fancy clothes.” Or, “Mommy wears dresses to work and pj’s to bed.” Or, “Daddy wears suits to work and a bathing suit to the pool.” Don’t tell her what she should be wearing unless you want to start a fight. You are promoting conversation, not arguments.
• Celebrate cooperation and goodwill. This sounds like, “I love your choice of pajama pants today, very practical!” Or, “That color reminds me of the grass . . . it’s very green.” Or, “You have been making some really neat clothing decisions lately, you have a great eye for what goes together.” Again, the point is you are in charge of the dynamic. You have the power and are noticing your child in a positive, loving way. This kind of attention promotes cooperation.
• Finally, let it go (I can hear that song from “Frozen”). Stop forcing her to change into the clothes that you want her to wear. Put some clothes in a bag and just move the day along. If she is burning her legs on the back of the slide because she is wearing a nightgown, casually mention that you have pants in your bag if she would like to protect her legs. And yes, if the temperature dips to freezing or soars to 100 degrees, you have to lay down some rules (get ready for screaming), but otherwise, chill out.
• Have faith that your child will eventually wear appropriate clothing. For now, you are learning about her, and, more importantly, you are learning about yourself. Good luck.
Find this over on The Washington Post.
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