Dear Meghan: This morning, the bus driver told me my 10-year-old (almost 11) son hit a girl on the bus. The girl’s parents complained to the driver because she goes to a different school than my kids. I’m so disheartened and really not sure how to handle this. My mind went straight to punishment, but I know that is not the answer. I would love guidance on how to handle this.
This is not typical behavior for my son. He is usually so kind and loving, but I did notice lately that he has been resorting to anger in certain situations when he feels slighted. It may be worth noting that my son has attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and anxiety, and he’s on medication for both. I tried therapy for him, but he refused to go, so it felt futile (and I figured maybe I wait another year and try again when he’s older). Please help!
— Worried
Worried: I can imagine how worried you felt to hear this news, but your instinct not to punish is correct. I don’t know exactly what happened, but you’ve mentioned some crucial details: He is typically kind and loving, and he has ADHD and anxiety. Plus, there’s no obvious pattern of behavior that we know of.
In addition to the fact that punishment rarely works in any case, it really backfires with many ADHD kiddos. I invite you to casually ask about the incident — “I heard about some struggle on the bus with Janet” — and see what comes out. If your son is tight-lipped, it is okay to simply let the incident pass while you keep an eye on it. Remember: The girl told her parents (one story) who called the bus driver (another story) who talked to you (yet another story). Ask the bus driver to stay vigilant, and assure everyone that you care and you’re on it. Depending on your son’s reactivity, you could float the idea of writing an apology note to the girl, which he may resist.
What you say (or don’t) to your son depends mostly on what you hope to accomplish with it. If you speak to connect and understand, you could learn more. If you speak to punish and cast shame, you won’t yield any connection and your son will feel more defensive. ADHD children are easily prone to shame, so that’s not the goal. If you speak to your son about it, approach the conversation trying to understand and solve problems rather than assign blame.
I don’t know what happened and, while violence is never the answer to frustration, it happens with children.
What does deserve more attention is your son’s increasing anger when feeling slighted. It is quite normal for 10-year-old boys to feel uncomfortable with the level of vulnerability that comes with feeling slighted, and a common response to this discomfort is frustration. When emotions don’t have anywhere to go, they often come out as anger — and even more so for humans with […]
View this full article on The Washington Post
Looking for more parenting support? Click Here.
Sign up for my Newsletter here to get this in your inbox every week!