Q: I work hard every day to employ positive parenting and humor while raising my 9-year-old daughter, to no avail. Trying to “refill her cup” and support her with empathy doesn’t move the needle. My husband says she’s stubborn like him, and although I prefer to think she’s a vigorous self-advocate, I think he’s right. She struggles to accept an olive branch when she has behaved badly and instead punishes herself by shutting down and withdrawing. It’s hard to watch her miss out on things she would like to do during a moment of frustration. It helps to read your Facebook posts saying that it’s tough in your house, too — seeing the imperfect outcomes from a mom who is really trying makes a big difference for me. I just wish I could persuade my daughter not to shut down and refuse to do things she’s capable of but also fearful of (for example, reintroducing earrings after an infection — she chose to let the holes close). I recently read a quote from the Child Mind Institute that struck home: “Oppositional behavior is often tied to high anxiety.” Most people wouldn’t describe her as anxious, but I think shutting down is her coping mechanism when she experiences anxiety. I’ve been typing for 10 minutes, and nearly every problem I think of I answer on my own. I guess I just want to kvetch with an understanding person.

A: I know this question is ostensibly about your daughter, but you are mostly writing about yourself (and you are wise enough to know this). Your worldview, your understanding of parenting and your anxiety are all oozing from this letter. The words “work hard,” “wish I could persuade” and “accept an olive branch” jump out to me, and although I don’t know much about your daughter, my gut is telling me that her “oppositional behavior” is a reaction to your coercion and your desire for her to be someone else.

I’m not blaming you for your daughter’s behavior. I’m just calling the dynamic as I see it.

Let me explain.

All parents (whom I have met) have a vision for their children’s future. No matter how “in the moment” a parent claims to be, it goes against human nature to not have hopes and dreams. This vision gives us direction, and it stems from our values, morals and lifestyle. Like it or not, we are living out our parenting hopes (or worries) every day.

There is nothing wrong with having hopes or wanting your daughter to be a “vigorous self-advocate,” to “do things she’s capable of but also fearful of,” and to accept olive branches. Those are lovely goals.

But they have to be her ideas and her goals. When children feel pushed to do things, their own instincts are stifled, making them feel unseen and unheard. That stunts their emotional growth, messy parts and all. Where you see opposition, I see your daughter saying: “Back off, Mom. I am my own person. Please see me.”

It is only through time, maturity and experience that children develop characteristics such as self-advocacy, and it is a tough balancing act to help them get there without pushing too hard.

In the meantime, how can you connect with her?

1. Stop trying to fill her cup, to help her self-advocate and to get her to accept olive branches. Just let her be. I think she feels as though you are pushing too hard, and her opposition is telling you that. Maybe she’s anxious, maybe not. But to find out, you have to stop bombarding her with advice.

2. Ask thoughtful questions and practice listening. Do not make suggestions or try to ­problem-solve. Just listen and use your face and your eyes to show that you care. She may not trust this at first, but if you get good at it, she may let you in.

3. The fact that she punishes herself is a red flag. Take a hard look at what leads up to those instances, and find out whether perfectionism plays a role. Or is it something else? If a child is self-isolating, that could be a sign of serious shame, and that means you need to go out of your way to be accepting of mistakes and to always separate the behavior from the child. Remember, this isolation is not a sign of opposition, but it could be a symptom of anxiety.

4. Work on balancing your desire for her to try new things with helping her learn to respect her own emotions and desires. For instance, if she doesn’t want to re-pierce her ears, that’s okay. I suspect that she needs a bit more emotional room, including space to shut down or to be scared and fearful. These are not emotions from which she needs to run. Welcome them and help her work with them.

5. Seek support from a good play therapist who can also support you and your spouse and help you understand your daughter. Also consider that you may have some anxiety and sensitivity and could benefit from a therapist.

Whatever you do, ask yourself this crucial question: “Am I coercing my child right now to fulfill a need in me, or am I fully seeing her for who she is?” This will help you separate what you want for her from what she needs.

Good luck.

 

Find this over on The Washington Post.

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  1. Hi! I’ve seen you recommend a play therapist before, and I think that would be helpful for my daughter too (she’s 8). Does it matter the credentials? I have a recommendation from one friend for a play therapist who’s a licensed social worker, and another recommendation where the therapist is a licensed counselor. Would it be better to seek someone who’s an actual psychologist, or does none of that matter in practice? Thank you!

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