Q: My daughter is spending the first month of summer vacation with her dad. She loves it there because he 
has smaller kids, so she is always entertained. I spoke with her a few days ago, and it sounds as though she isn’t looking forward to returning to our home, where she’s the only kid. How can I welcome her back without overcompensating by taking her places and buying her things to win back her affections?
A: What a great question! You are ahead of the curve because you know that efforts to “win back her affection” are not in her best interest (or yours). You know that when we buy, win or beg for our children’s affection, we are going for the cheap seats in the relationship arena.
So your daughter loves hanging out with her father and his younger kids. Is this a problem? No. And she isn’t looking forward to coming home to what, I am guessing, is a much more quiet situation. Is this a problem? Again, no. It is absolutely okay for her to feel a little sad to come back to a quieter, calmer environment.
But you are panicking. Maybe you want to measure up, be as good as, somehow show her the same fun time she is having with her father? I am not sure, but you know that you can’t do that. You can provide your daughter only what you can offer. So you need to calm yourself down.
Let’s review what we know:
No. 1: You are not her father, and you need to have some confidence as her other parent. You are unique, and there is no one like you in her life. Do not diminish your impact because your daughter is having so much fun with her father. It is summer vacation. What else is she supposed to be doing?
No. 2: You are already on your way toward knowing that your daughter should not be bribed into wanting to stay with you. You ask: “How can I welcome her back without overcompensating by taking her places and buying her things to win back her affection?” To begin, just allow her to feel her feelings without you pushing her in any direction. If she is sad about leaving her father, allow her to be sad. If she is bored without her siblings, allow her to be bored. If she is angry with you for being “boring,” allow her to be angry. You choose how you respond to all of these normal emotions. You can respond with anger, worry and fear, or you can realize that all emotions are okay.
I don’t know how old she is (and frankly, it doesn’t matter), but the younger the child, the more the emotions tend to pour out without check. And because you are a safe adult in her life, it is your responsibility to allow these emotions to flow. Especially for a child who splits time between parents, you have double the work of making sure all of her emotions are safely vented in your presence.
No. 3: There is absolutely nothing wrong with planning some fun with your daughter when she comes home to you. Find some activities that you can truly enjoy with her. Swimming, hiking, art, horseback riding, reading, shopping, a trip, camping, a sport — it doesn’t matter. Enjoy it together, but be prepared for the activities to not solve your daughter’s boredom or sadness. Do the activity for the sake of the activity alone. Do the activity so your daughter sees you enjoying her company.
No. 4: You mention that your daughter sounds as though she doesn’t want to come home. I am going to challenge you to ask yourself, “Is my daughter actually upset to come home, or is this my insecurity?” I think that this may be more about you than it is about your daughter. You might think that you are not entertaining enough or not providing enough activities or fanfare, or you may be harboring some jealousy or resentment toward her father. Whatever the case, I beseech you to look inward and ask, “What do I feel that I am lacking in myself?” If you are insecure or worried, you are stealing from the now and also hurting your future.
In short, normalize her fun with her father (it is good), allow all of her emotions, plan some fun with her (confidently), and ask yourself why you are worried about her affection.
Find this over on The Washington Post.