Hello. I struggle with my four-year-old daughter and dinner. “People” say you should let the kid decide when they are full but if I do that she is starving in 30 minutes. So I end up quantifying how many bites she needs to take. This works for the hunger issue but I worry about the method. Any suggestions?
Hmmmm.
Firstly, don’t listen to “people.”
If you put quotes around someone, it means you don’t trust them.
So, here’s the deal:
This is not a huge problem, in terms of the myriad of issues that parents can face. We both know that.
It’s more annoying, right?
She dawdles, you step in, and she eats a little more. It’s not a big deal.
But chances are good that, at some point, she will begin to fight back and the number of bites being encouraged, and that is when you need to decide what you what to do.
If you begin the threat/reward/nagging/cajoling/begging/yelling cycle, you are in for some awful mealtimes. I mean: AWFUL.
What’s worse is that these power struggles will spill into the rest of your parent life and you will EXHAUST yourself over bites of broccoli and chicken.
So, stay very aware of when the struggles are beginning and be ready to turn this responsibility over to her. Your job is to make the food, her job is to eat it (or not).
Another issue to be aware of is the message we are sending her (as with all kids who are uneasy eaters) about her own hunger cues. When we push children to not listen to their cues and keep eating, eating, eating, we are messing with the natural order of things. Simply put, some four year old’s don’t eat a ton of food! If we push more, more, more, we are not letting HER system pay attention to itself.
And maybe you have noticed, but there are A TON of people in America who have lost touch with their hunger cues (me being one of them sometimes!)
So, stay aware and don’t push too much!
Good luck!
Hi Meghan, you took my question some time back about kid not eating lunch in school because it was not the same as other children.(We recently moved to the US). I am writing to thank you for your advice. You told me to search within for how much I could give and where, as also that fitting in was important for his safety in school. That set me thinking and I realised I was being a fool to make an issue out of food. The very next day, I packed spaghetti for lunch and he was so happy, I cant tell you. It was the first time in about a month that the lunch box came back clean. I also found that once I was not being particularly stubborn about the options for lunch, my son also was more open to eating Indian food at home for dinner. Now he even asks me to make some Indian dishes he hears other talking about. I am so so glad I asked you for help. Just stepping back has made things so much happier for all of us. Thank you ! Harsha
YAY!
First of all, THANK YOU for writing. It means the world to me. Truly.
Secondly, KUDOS to you for being brave enough to try my suggestions.
It is NOT easy to acclimate to a new culture and you will have many more baby steps just like this one! But making room for your son to feel comfortable with the new ALSO makes room for all the blessings of your home culture.
Best of luck to you and your family. You are on a great path, mama!
Mmmmmmmwah!
If any of the food your four year old doesn’t finish is easy to eat, put it in a little container she can access herself and tell her if/when she is hungry for the rest of it, there it is. This gets away from any power struggles.
I like that idea!
And, as much as this makes people crazy, I think it depends.
For instance, if you decide that mealtimes are not so much about food but about community, sharing, talking, laughing, and family…you don’t worry so much about snacks.
I don’t allow any snacks after dinner, but there are always exceptions. And the easier you make mealtime, the easier it is to spot the exceptions!
Hi Meghan, My husband and I are struggling with his 13 year old daughter who is a very picky eater. We cook balanced meals with lots of variety in vegetables and proteins, but she just picks at it. We mostly eat at home, but when we go out, she wants a steak or a cheeseburger and fries and that’s it. How hard should we push? She is with us every other weekend. We don’t want her to starve but we also don’t want to cook separate meals for her. BTW: Dad struggled with this when he was married to her mom as her mom doesn’t cook and they go out for most meals or order pizza. Help!
You only see her every other weekend?
When you go out, she chooses and that is that. Your only job is to enjoy her and enjoy her so very very much.
When you are home, make the food you like and make sure there is something on there for her that is yummy.
Don’t take the picking personally.
Look at it this way: The child has to shuffle between homes and has to drag her stuff all over creation and hang with new sets of stepparents and the whole shebang.
Let’s not hassle her anymore.
In fact, let’s make it so great when she comes! Accept her in with love and ZERO judgment on the food.
ZERO.
Have I mentioned…ZERO.
🙂
Our 7 1/2 year old son tends to correct his three year old sister a lot even on the most mundane details. She doesn’t complain and for the most part, they get along well. Our concern is that her voice isn’t getting heard and that this behavior encourages bossiness in other areas. We’d love to nip this in the bud. Do you have any suggestions for how to address this? Thank you!
Your family is prime for encouraging family meetings!
Here is how I do mine:
The Encouraging Family Meeting
– Use talking piece.
-Each person takes a turn.
-Say what you love about being in the family.
-l You have as many turns as you need.
-Talk until you are finished.
-End the meeting (with something fun nor yummy!)
Benefits of the Family Meeting
-Adding ceremony to your family life.
-Reinforcing what you want: listening.
-Building a family identity, creating belongingness.
-A Forum for issues that everyone can use.
-Parenting on the “front end” of behavior.
Hi–My lovely 10 year old daughter can experience a lot of anxiety. I have noticed it when she is learning something new. Learning to swim and bike ride were very hard for her (and me). Now, she has told me she worries a lot. I would like to help her. Do you have suggestions? She is also very academically gifted. I have tried not to put pressure on her, but I imagine that I sometimes do. And, she also does without anyone else. Thank you. I really appreciate your help.
Giftedness and Worrying.
Yeah.
My fist bit of advice is to (if you haven’t) read up on giftedness.
Everyone jokes about how their children are gifted, but until you have a gifted child, no one really knows how challenging it can truly be.
Gifted children can be more intense, more sensitive, and more immature emotionally. This can be crazy-making because thy can really struggle fitting in, as well as trying things that do not come quickly and easily.
Read up and find a great group of parents who also have gifted children. They can provide a great support and remind you that you have some unique challenges!
Otherwise, parenting an anxious child requires always making room for all of the emotions as well as allowing her adapt to failure and fear.
I know, easier said than done, but take a look at it. Are you always letting her quit? Are you telling her not to be afraid?
Where do you land in this continuum?
Today’s online Post has an article called “Just looking at nature can help your brain work better, study finds.” I read the book “Last Child in the Woods” which popularized the phrase “nature deficit disorder” and spawned the No Child Left Inside movement. I wonder if you could please share your thoughts on the importance of nature time and outdoor time to child development. And how we can fit this in in the 21st century in a metropolitan area. Thank you!
Meghan’s well-equipped to take this, but this is also one of my biggies. We had a great piece a while ago by Lauren Knight about getting kids into nature. Check it out.
Meanwhile, this piece I did with Fritz Hahn is a couple years old now, but still pertinent. Lots of good info about Rock Creek Park, the wonderful urban park we are privy to.
And although this piece has to do with wintertime, I had a great interview with Scott Sampson, the author of How to Raise a Wild Child: The Art and Science of Falling in Love With Nature. The book is a really good read.
Essentially, the more you get your kids outside and into nature, the more them they become. And the more they want to be out there. We’re born to be outside to some degree. Even if it’s walks to the playground or school, bike riding on paths or sidewalks, baseball in the front yard. The more they are outside, the more they see and discover. Worms? Yeah, they need to be in dirt to live. Collecting rocks? Sure. Try to find one shaped like a heart (we have a whole collection of those going on). There’s so much to do outside, even if you live in an urban area. And kids (and parents) get so much out of it.
Meghan? I’m thinking of your dog walks. Take it away.
Amy just gave some awesome resources, thank you Amy!
The data is pretty darn clear what nature does for humans. We know we need it. And we know we don’t get enough of it.
Something to reflect on is how playing games on devices also hijacks children’s brains, revs them up, and can lead to greater distraction, inability to focus (after lengthy gaming) and other characteristics that mimic ADHD.
So, we have children who game before school, sit in school and cannot focus, and game after school (making homework hard).
We pathologize and diagnose these children, but exercise, fresh air and sleep is all they need.
🙁
My 14 year old daughter, whom is a good kid, recently has started using a tone of voice with me and her father that is just plain rude. I suspect that this is common with teens, and that she may not even always be aware of her tone of voice and the attitude accompanying it, but it’s still tough to handle. My husband and I are pretty good about not responding in kind to her tone of voice, but not always successful. Besides deep breathing, stepping away when needed, etc. any other suggestions? I plan to talk with her about this – when we have a quiet (non-rude) moment, but am not sure what I can reasonably expect from her with regard to this. Thanks!
If you are going to talk to her about her tone of voice, do it during a wonderful and easy time of connection.
And go easy on it.
Dr. Neufeld calls this “poking the bruise,” meaning don’t start to lecture and talk about she’s hurting your feelings and whatnot.
Be casual, yet direct. “I know that being 14 can be hard, and I know that your father and I can make you angry, and I will still like us all to be aware of our tones. They get get pretty mean…” etc. Keep it short and see what she has to say. If she gets very defensive, let it go.
Hi — My 5th grader is a mess with the end of the school year. He’s worried about not growing apart from his best friend but not having other good friends, about the end-of-year projects and keeping up with homework, about the year ending in general. Any way to talk him down? I feel like its normal to be stressed at transition points like this, and the impending puberty isn’t helping, I’m sure. How can I best help him?
1) A lot of listening and empathic nodding
2) Keeping a firm routine of sleep, food, and homework
3) Helping to find ways to connect with his friends going into the summer
4) Allowing some stuff to slide off of the plate (what can be let go?)
5) Hikes in nature. Walking the dog. Shooting hoops. Whatever gets you outside and moving.
My granddaughter will turn 4 in July. I would like her to take ballet as her mother and her aunts did. Her mother quit after 8th grade to concentrate on sports, but the other two went on even farther. We live 4 1/2 hours away, so driving her is not an option for me. Money isn’t a problem for them, although I feel so strongly about dance that I’ve offered to pay for the lessons. The big problem is lack of time on the parents’ side as they both work full time and also have a 10 month old son. How important do you think ballet lessons are to little girls? Believe me, she would NOT go to a teacher like Abby Lee Miller, although I’d love her to get real training rather than “play ballet.”
“How important do you think ballet lessons are to little girls?”
I don’t ballet lessons are important at all for little girls.
That was the only question in there, and that is the truth.
You are clearly generous, but allow the mother to decide what is best for the 4 year old and offer to pay for that (or save the money for a special trip or college).