My 7 1/2-year-old daughter gets very easily frustrated and has frequent meltdowns. She does not have any behavior issues at school, but as soon as she gets home she will explode over the smallest things. Often this is geared toward her sibling. If her sister doesn’t want to play exactly the way she wants to play, she will scream and storm off, or sometimes pinch or grab her sister. I don’t think she intends to hurt her but it’s as if she has to do something physical to release all the anger/frustration that’s built up. We tried a behavioral psychologist, who suggested she has ADD and could benefit from medication. I don’t necessarily agree with the diagnosis because this pretty much only happens at home. I read The Explosive Child, which recommends collaborative problem solving rather than rewards and punishments, but how do I handle it when she hurts her sister? I’ve tried talking through things calmly and trying to get her to come up with solutions but in the moment she is completely unwilling to compromise. Can you offer any advice? Thank you.
Here is the REALLY good news in your note: you already *know* what is going on. You write, “I don’t think she intends to hurt her but it’s as if she has to do something physical to release all the anger/frustration that’s built up.”
THAT is what we are working with when you pick her up from school.
So let’s work out, and then in.
I know there are no “behavioral problems at school,” but I would ask more about the kind of experience is she having at school, day in and day out. Questions for you to ask her teachers and admin: Is she moving enough? Is she always in trouble? Is she always be labeled as a “problem?” Is her name said a million times over and over? Is she able to focus and stay with the class? She is she able to finish her work in a timely manner?
Here’s the thing. IF she’s ADD or ADHD and we are ignoring it, her brain is working SO DARN HARD just to feel her head above water that, by the time you get her, she CANNOT HANDLE HER EMOTIONS OR BODY ANYMORE. The flip has switched. She is completely out of control because her immature system is kaput. I have so much empathy for her…this is HARD. So, get into school and see what they can do. to help her release energy AND stay on task.
And so, was she truly evaluated for ADD or was it a suggestion? I think it is worthwhile to look into it. A diagnosis DOES NOT mean instant medication, but it could bring to light some issues that strategies to help her. Take a look at your own biases toward diagnoses…we don’t want our own parental fears to dictate the help the child could receive.
But back to the home problem, we KNOW that she is going to explode. We KNOW that she is going to target the sister. SO, parent, you gotta get in there and HEAD THIS OFF AT THE PASS.
1) FOOD, especially PROTEIN, IMMEDIATELY when picking her up. Feed all children, STAT. This can help even out blood sugar and make hormones come into line.
2) Get explosive daughter on a trampoline, playing PHYSICALLY, throwing something, jumping, running, etc. GET THE ENERGY OUT, STAT.
3) Get between the sisters. Literally. Take the explosive child by the hand and strongly lead her to whatever is happening and away from an opportunity to hurt and lash out.
4) Stop speaking calmly and stop the solutions. The explosive child cannot handle her own emotions and cannot do this. Yet. It will come, but more importantly, we need an outlet FIRST.
Okay, this is tiring, but start to go more to the roots of what is causing SO MUCH frustration and begin there!
Am I the only parent who fears summer? The schedule upheaval is tough on my 6 year old. (Not as much on my other child.) I work, so there are camps to schedule, empty hours, which I loved as a kid, but are hard for her. Help? Thoughts? Am I alone?
NO! My heavens, summer is a nightmare for many parents. They lose the childcare of school, they lose routine, and they lose TONS of money.
Not to mention the CONSTANT FB pics of smiling families having perfect vacations while your 6 yo whines about boredom.
SO, the good news: you know your child.
She likes to be active. Does that mean you should fill her time from dawn till dusk? NO. But you can find a balance that fits YOUR family.
So, the needs of the situation are: 1) your work schedule, 2) camps for her and 3) some fun stuff with down hours.
You can really have some fun with #3, while 1 and 2 are your to work out.
I suggest sitting down with her and really getting goofy with it. What would be your biggest wishes to do together? See what comes out of it! You never know, she may want to go ice skating! Easy! See how creative you guys can get, and HEY, by the way Parent, I want YOU to have fun. So write down your fun ideas.
PArents get stuck when they don’t make a plan, so sit with her and have some fun…
🙂
My 4 year old son’s preschool teacher frequently tells me that my son has “a hard time coming back to reality.” I have asked her what she means and the examples she gives are that he is pretending to be a dinosaur or a robot and when it is circle time he will ignore her and keep playing robot. I do not feel there is any reason to be concerned. He has lots of friends and is a good listener at home. He just has a big imagination in my opinion. Should I be concerned? And is there any way to help him follow the rules more in preschool. For what its worth, the school is fairly strict but I imagine kindergarten will have similar rules. Thank you!!
Hmmm, I am not feeling this preschool.
Why? Well, it is COMPLETELY NORMAL FOR 4 YO CHILDREN TO DO THIS.
This IS their reality. Sheesh. I mean, the imagination of a 4 yo? Amazing. Truly, something to be cherished and PROTECTED.
Listen, if you love this school, okay. But I would have some SERIOUS reservations about sending an imaginative and creative child to a school that doesn’t support it.
I mean, just writing that makes me wonder what the world has come to….
My 2.5 year old son is having what my husband and I call A-B-A syndrome. I’ll offer him something…like an apple. NO he does NOT want an apple. So I’ll offer him an orange. YES he wants the orange. So I peel and segment the orange and put it on a plate. Set it in front of him and guess what? He wants AN APPLE. We go through this what seems like hundreds of times a day, over everything-what he wants to wear, eat, do etc. Should I quit asking his opinion? Make him stick with option B? It’s driving me NUTS and I’m sure is my own creation, I just can’t figure it out!
Congrats, you have a healthy 2.5 year old.
Stop offering him choices.
Seriously.
A two year old doesn’t have the maturity to weigh this, and he is having fun with all his “decision power.”
Every once and while, give him a choice and see what happens…but otherwise, just cut up the apple and call it a day. He will eat it or not.
Hi! Our baby (7 months) does not nap well. At daycare, he’ll nap between 20 minutes – 2 hours total, all day long. At night, he’s down for 9-11 hours and usually only wakes 1-2 times. I’ve seen all these different baby sleep charts saying he needs at least 12 hours of sleep in a 24-hour period. And forums/ Facebook groups say that at this age they need at least two 2-hour naps per day. We’re trying to sleep train (aka let him cry/fuss some so he can let teach himself to fall asleep), but could this damage his development? If he’s obviously sleepy and groggy, we’ll try our best to help him fall asleep even if he’s fighting it. But if he’s alert and having fun, is there an issue? Wouldn’t it be great if people were trying to get us Mamas to nap for 4 hours a day?!? I sure wouldn’t fight that 🙂 Thanks!
Stop reading stuff and follow your instincts and your baby’s cues.
That is all.
when do you know what time to let the kids leave the house to be on their own? Turning 18 doesn’t mean some kids are ready to be on their own.
Every state has laws, so follow them.
Then, start asking some questions:
Does you child demonstrate common sense? Does your child listen to you? Is your child honest? Does your child (mostly) follow rules? Do you like your children’s friends?
Then, start small. Walking around blocks, to a friend’s house close by, etc. See how it goes.
There is no science and there is no guarantee.
You have to use your common sense, your instincts, and a little bit of bravery.
Dear Meghan – Our 5th grade son has been invited to join 5-6 other kids in an informal Minecraft club for “advanced” players. He had to demonstrate his minecraft skills to join. He’s happy to do it, and the other kids aren’t in a clique or of the same groups – it seems to genuinely be Minecraft that brings them together. Is it ok to let him be in a club that doesn’t let everyone who may want to be in it (if they knew of it, they are keeping it discrete)? I don’t want to be exclusionary, but he is pretty excited to be invited and to have “proven” his Minecraft skills.
Sounds okay to me.
None of my flags are going up…it sounds like if you have the skills and anyone can try out, right? Then, if you have them, you can make the club.
Okay.
Clubs are exclusionary and hurtful when they are arbitrary and the rules change.
For instance, my daughter just got her demi pointe shoes for ballet.
Everyone in the is evaluated an then the head of the ballet school decides who can “graduate.”
My daughter and two other dancer received them (out of 12 dancers), and a caretaker next to me, “that’s not fair, the other girls are sad, everyone should get them.”
Can you imagine? All that work, and then everyone is equal….for what? No hurt feelings?
My daughter has watched countless other dancers get their demi’s first (they are better dancers!) and she fully understands why.
There is true pride in making it when you have earned it.
Everything else is either mean-spirited or meaningless “trophies for everyone.”
In a word, don’t worry about it.
My little 2 1/2 year old angel is becoming a maniac. Up until a few weeks ago, he never cried, had tantrums, etc. We were so lucky. Now, he’s crying in the morning, crying in the evening, changing his mind constantly. I thought it was because he’s getting a new sibling in a few weeks, but his daycare buddies are apparently doing the same. What do we do? He’s driving us nuts! More specifically, what do we do when he cries over the littlest things? Or when he says he wants cereal for breakfast and then changes his mind after I make it? Do we cuddle, stand firm, what?
Cuddle? YES. ALL THE TIME.
Stand firm? YES. OFTEN.
This is a VIOLENT and MESSY time in your parenting life, I cannot make it any different.
Read this, it is an oldie but a goodie. http://www.amazon.com/Your-Two-Year-Old-Louise-Bates-Ames/dp/0440506387
It will bring some relief of NORMALCY to you.
I would also like to add to your list:
HUMOR.
Find laughter, STAT. You’re gonna need it.
My 11-month old isn’t sleeping through the night. She used to, but the past 3-4 months we’ve struggled with her waking up 1-2 times a night. Now she typically only wakes 1 time, but nothing except nursing will get her to fall back asleep. We’ve tried letting her cry it out, not picking her up and just patting/rubbing her back, and picking her up and cuddling. Only nursing does the trick. We also can’t get her to eat more at night before she goes to bed. She typically goes to sleep by 8:30pm and gets up around 7:30-8:00am. She takes 1-2 naps a day (morning and/or afternoon), with one nap normally lasting around 2 hours. The other is often only 30 minutes. What else can we try? We really need to sleep through the night again.
I don’t know. Truly.
Does she need the second nap?
Does she need more sleep?
The other rope I can throw you is that THIS WILL END.
At some point.
She WILL sleep through the night.
So, when you are dragging yourself out of bed, pissed as heck, remember that in about ten years (or maybe less), someone will ask you about this period, and you will not remember what she was doing. Seriously.
You won’t remember this because you will have new problems.
So, feed her. And have hope it will get better.
Hope is stronger than you think…
🙂
Your comment about how a 2.5 yr. old shouldn’t be given too many choices makes me think about how in my son’s day care (he’s also 2.5 yrs. old), they’ve taken to framing behavior in the language of “choices.” For example, they won’t tell the kids they’re doing something wrong; they tell them they’re making a bad choice. To me, this framework just sounds silly and convoluted, and my son doesn’t know what choices are. If he’s mad at me, he’ll scold, “Stop making choices, Daddy.” I think this business is silly (but harmless). What’s your take?
That’s ridiculous. A 2.5 year old make choices like a fish will walk up the beach. IT AIN’T HAPPENING BECAUSE IT’S NOT NEUROLOGICALLY POSSIBLE.
A choice is evaluating two different options, weighing the good and the bad, and deciding.
A TWO YEAR OLD IS ACTING ON PURE IMPULSE (most of the time).
Impulse, deep emotions.
Blurg.
(I am smashing my head on the table.)