During a recent online chat with Meghan Leahy, a desperate reader wrote in, asking for help. Leahy’s advice follows, as do some responses from readers we wanted to share here. Note to tired mom: Accept help.
Q. I was reading your column about tips on good parenting, including the tip about taking care of yourself. I’m a single mom of a 6-month-old, and I’m having a hard time figuring out self-care. I feel as if I’m drowning, and I can’t figure out what I need to get past that feeling. I have resources — local family, willing friends — and I just can’t figure out what I need from them. They keep offering to help, and I just can’t seem to say yes. I really just want to take a week off from work, send the baby to day care and curl up at home, but that’s not an option with my job.
A. I love that you wrote in. Okay, mama, let’s look at this.
1. Stop worrying about your self-care image. Say yes, yes, yes, yes, yes to friends and family. You say you want to lie down. So, begin by lying down. Nap. Watch bad TV. Put a cheap mask on your face and rest. Let go of any ideas about what you should be doing or not doing. Lie down in a dark room and just be there. It sounds dumb, but how often are you allowed to be with yourself, by yourself?
2. Say yesyesyesyes to friends and go to a local coffee shop with a notepad. A book. A magazine. Journal about the fact that you don’t know what you should be doing. Journal about your worry.
3. Say yesyesyesyesyesyesyes to friends and family, and walk. Outside. Get with some trees and breathe. Walk by a dog park and watch the dogs. Pet some. Sit on a log and watch a stream. You don’t have to power-walk. Just amble around and let nature heal you. I know it is woo-woo-sounding, but nature heals.
4. Don’t let anyone tell you what self-care looks like. Even me. If it is cleaning and organizing for you, do it. If it is reading silly books, do it. If it is watching live comedy, do it. If it is church, do it. If it is crying for a while in the woods, do it. Just say yes to your friends. My only mandate here is that you let people help you. Stat. That’s an order. Release yourself from expectations and see where it goes.
Edited advice from readers and fellow parents:
Let go of guilt: I would tell her that she’s probably the type of mother who most enjoys time with her children when they’re older. Some of us prefer the age when children are most dependent on us and at their sweetest, most beguiling, and others prefer the intellect and independence of teenagers. There’s nothing wrong with that, and it doesn’t mean that you don’t love your children. So don’t feel guilty about your feelings.
Sitters are there for a reason: Go ahead and send the baby to day care for “me day.” I used to do this on a semi-regular basis, and it helped me with my sanity. I figured my kid would be happier at “school” than with a stressed-out mom in need of a break. My kids are school-age now and show no scars from this, at least from what I can tell. Take the day. And don’t just clean — go out and get a coffee, meet a friend, something.
It gets better: I was in your shoes, barely hanging on some days. Maybe you can’t take a whole week off from work, but I bet you could take one mental-health sick day. I’d do this and use the time to go roam a bookstore, do grocery shopping (in half the time solo) or just zone out at home for a few hours. And the greatest consistent break I found was by joining a gym — many have kids’ areas where you can drop off your little one and get an hour to yourself to run, cycle, swim, do yoga. That worked for me for years, with the added benefit of finding other single-mom friends (and their kids). Good luck. It does get easier. I promise.
Find this over on The Washington Post.