Q: I have lived with chronic fatigue syndrome for 10 years. While I feel like I manage my fatigue pretty well through planning, pacing and a supportive partner, I’m often depleted in the moment by the normal, frequent boundary testing of our only child, a bright, creative and busy 5-year-old
I often find that just negotiating breakfast and putting on shoes on time drains my energy for the morning, and undercuts my ability to provide positive attention and follow-through with fun and productive activities. Our evening routine of dinner, play and bedtime seems to be one fight after another.
I would love your long-term view: Which battles at this stage are important for parents to win? Where can we say “yes” to encourage our daughter’s independence without being too permissive or expecting too much? How can we help her see my physical limits as a reality to accept rather than an excuse?
A: Thank you for writing in. To begin, our culture struggles with understanding that invisible disabilities and diseases are as valid and disruptive as visible ones. And this is not surprising: Humans tend to trust what we can see, whether it tells the whole story or not. People who live with chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) encounter doubt and unhelpful advice when it comes to their condition. Folks believe it, but there’s a tinge of “willpower issues” when discussing it, and this can easily seep into the psyche of the person who is living with CFS. (“I can work harder, be less tired, push through. I look fine. What’s wrong with me?”)
It doesn’t have to be that way, and I’m so sorry that it may be for you.
Let’s start with this: Even without CFS, the typical parent can find themselves exhausted by getting a 5-year-old out the door every morning. This age is one of tremendous growth and fun, as well as challenges that come in the form of strong individualism, big ideas and mood swings.
The cool thing about this age is that while they are little, they are capable of great empathy and age-appropriate responsibility. Ask any kindergarten teacher and they will tell you how up to the challenge most 5-year-olds are! Every child is different, but if you switch your perspective from “getting her to do things” to “working with her,” you may find a world of options will open up. It won’t always be easy, but more cooperation is possible.
Your essential question — “Which battles are important to win?” — is not a useful one, but your second question around independence and permissiveness is. “Win” or “lose” language will put you in more battles with your child, but finding proper boundaries is respectful of your own physical limits as well as […]
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