A: Thank you for this letter; it’s full of parenting troubles, from feeling dismissed to middle school independence to guidelines on behavior. In lieu of writing a book on this, which is what a response to your note could be, I’m going to take your questions one by one.
First, I don’t know how much freedom you should allow your child, because I don’t know what happened, nor do I know your sensitivity or background. Your child could have given you the double bird or have simply rolled their eyes. There is a wide variety of behaviors that could have taken place, but here’s the deal: An 11-year-old can be an intense person. Eleven-year-olds don’t mean to be selfish, narcissistic or myopic. Their brains and hormones are growing and changing so quickly that it’s hard for them to consider your perspective and desires, but trust me, middle-schoolers are empathetic creatures. Their behavior, though, is confusing, and parenting children this age can be emotionally draining, so you are not alone in wondering what you should do.
This brings me to my next point: If I were coaching you, and you told me your child is constantly telling you that you’re nagging and overbearing, we would look closely at that. It could be that your child has gotten away with a lot for years, and now you’re laying down the hammer, and they’re reacting poorly. Or it could be that you have always nagged, and now your tween has had enough. They have a voice, and they’re using it to tell you to back off.
Are you being unreasonable in your demands? I don’t know. Ask a partner, a spouse, a friend or a professional what they think (choose someone honest and compassionate), and get real with yourself. Whether your child has been spoiled or you have always nagged them, we have to accept that continuously badgering your child will have one of two consequences: They will either fight you tooth and nail, or they will ignore you. You don’t want either of these outcomes as you enter the teenage years.
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That brings me to my third point: You are raising a child who is (hopefully) going to grow into an independent adult. The relationship between a parent and a child is, at first, one of total control; when the child is a baby, all of the work is done by the parent. But as children grow, their independence increases depending on their temperament, development and environment. As clinical psychologist Gordon Neufeld says, children begin to move into the driver’s seat of their lives, in fits and starts, and you become more of the guardrail. Nurturing your 11-year-old means that you find a way to connect with them while keeping healthy boundaries. Walking this line is like a dance. Some days, you’re doing the cha-cha, and your child may be doing the waltz, but what matters most is that you’re trying to connect and provide guidance.
Does this mean you drop behavioral expectations? No. Does this mean you allow your child to run roughshod over you? No. But punishments, nagging, resentment and guilt are not the road you want to take. Instead, spend some special time with your child. When children are young, parents get on the floor and build blocks with them. Now that your child is older, you need to find ways to connect for the simple pleasure of enjoying your child. Do whatever brings you together and allows you to have fun: milkshakes, hikes, basketball, art, video games. As the relationship becomes easier, start making plans around them helping in the house, etc., but don’t try to find “one way” to do things. Parenting means staying both strong and flexible.
As for reading, I highly recommend Judith Warner’s new book, “And Then They Stopped Talking to Me: Making Sense of Middle School.”
Good luck.
Find this over on The Washington Post.
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