How to help a sensitive child in a not-so-sensitive world

Q: The summer before first grade, a child told my son things such as, “I’m going to kill you.” My son told us months after this took place, so we could not inform the camp he was attending. We dealt with that situation by reinforcing how loved he is and by letting him know what he can do in the future (tell a grown-up). I also talked to the other child’s parents and ensured that they weren’t grouped together for school or camp.

Now he’s 8 and in third grade, and kids are saying things such as, “I’ll murder you,” during team sports. When I approach the coach and other parents, they respond that this is “friendly competitive banter.” My son was visibly upset by this talk.

What tools can I give him to support him with this? My initial reaction is to tell him to be super sarcastic in response, such as, “Sure, see how that works out for you.” But I am not sure whether that is the correct response.

Is this really the new way kids are talking to each other? It seems really out of touch. I played competitive sports through college, and that was never the language we used.

I would love any advice on how to respond to situations like this as a parent, as well as best practices for children dealing with this talk.

A: I am so sorry to hear this. Thank you for writing in.

As much as we would all like our children to feel safe with everyone (adults and other children), cruelty still happens, and sadly, we often see this in team sports. It is one thing when the kids are unkind, but I often see the coaches themselves use language (and treat 8-year-olds) as though the children are in the National Football League. Harsh, abusive and threatening language abounds.

For every overly tough coach, there are 10 who are strong and supportive role models. But even then, these coaches cannot police the children on the field. Threats, verbal jabs and intimidation will happen, with only the two players to hear it (the one saying it and the one on the receiving end). You can try sensitivity training, lectures, punishments, rewards, talking to parents, you name it, and still children will do this. It is part of the human experience.

This doesn’t mean that all is lost.

It sounds as if your son is a sensitive soul, and this is something to be treasured. Because of temperament, some children feel more deeply than others do. There’s nothing wrong with this; we need […]

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