Q: My toddler switches between his dad’s house and my place for Christmas. I suggested we have Santa visit one (alternating) house so there’s not an exorbitant amount of gifts, but the suggestion was ignored. I want to keep Christmas gifts low-key, especially knowing Dad’s is going to be an explosion of presents. But it does bother me that at some point, my son might prefer Christmas at Dad’s simply because there are more and bigger gifts. It’s already headed in that direction after his second birthday, when Dad spent a lot on a child’s car. He also kept the house, so I’m worrying about my son not wanting to stay with me at some point because I have only a small apartment. I guess this is an overarching theme: Dad has a lot, and I don’t. How do I stop worrying about losing my son in a war of materialism?
A: How about giving yourself the gift of waving the white flag? You have lost. Dad has won the war of materialism. Good for him.
Now that you have left the battle, you are free to cultivate memories and traditions that actually mean something. Oh, sure, I remember coming downstairs and getting that Barbie house. But what I really remember is sticky buns and staying in PJs and feeling warm and safe. The toys fell to the side.
You have less of what you think your son wants, but you have an abundance of what he needs: you.
Don’t play this losing game. Focus on what you can do. And celebrate all that stuff he gets at his Dad’s house; invite him to bring it over. It will never hold a candle to love and connection.
Q: What is your advice for co-parenting through the holidays? I feel as if both parents want to enjoy all of the experiences, and the kids end up exhausted and overstimulated. Conversations and planning with the other parent don’t seem to work.
A: The fact that you are aware and care is a win. Some parents cannot get out of their own way, and I get it! There is time off, and everyone wants to have fun and make it special.
But.
If communication and planning aren’t working, try more specific language: “I am taking Roger and Michelle ice skating on Saturday, and in the interest of not burning them out, could you do a movie on Sunday?” Maybe your co-parent doesn’t get it, but keep trying.
If your co-parent is set on burning the kids out, it falls to you to be responsible and plan some other stuff. Can activities be spaced differently? Shortened? Can you swap out something busy for something quieter? There are tons of ways to have fun with your children while bonding and not tiring them out — baking, making slime, old-school card and board games, video game competitions and more.
If you are angry about this, I get it. It feels unfair. But trust that your children will get older, and you may be able to push the boundaries a little bit more (in terms of activities). In the meantime, remember:
1. It is more important for you to co-parent lovingly. (This has a huge impact on your children.)
2. These quiet activities count as connection, fun and good memories.
3. Think outside the box about when you can do the more energetic activities (i.e. not just on Christmas break).
[sc name=”Button Conflict to Cooperation Right”]
Q: We are spending the holidays with my husband’s extended family, whose politics are quite different from ours, and it tends to be a part of pretty much all their discussions. It would be exhausting to be around them even if we were on the same side. Now we have young children (6 and 9) who will no doubt listen and ask questions. I am certain the extended family will use this as an opportunity to try to indoctrinate our kids. The thing is, I actually want our kids to be able to listen to other people’s views and make up their own minds, but I’m not eager to devote an entire holiday to this. What are some good ways to talk about differences in politics in an age-appropriate way? Do we disagree with “Aunt Sue” about immigration to her face? Or discuss it later?
A: Families are breaking up because of politics in this country. Father and son, mother and daughter, entire branches of families are being cut off due to our inability to listen to each other and find a middle ground (what that middle ground is, I don’t know).
I want, with all my parent-coach heart, for families to stay together.
This makes me think of the broadcast I was listening to the other day on NPR. Brené Brown was talking about how hard it is to stay in a conversation with others we disagree with, and how much courage it requires. She mentioned that you can civilly and strongly disagree and exit the situation when you feel someone is emotionally or physically abusing your boundaries — pushing you without any regard for, well, you.
If you are using words such as “indoctrinate,” my flags go up. You raising your children to be open-minded does not mean you subject them to bullies who refuse to see children for what they are: children.
It is out of line. Period.
So, I would call Aunt Sue (don’t email) and say, “We are looking forward to this break. I am not allowing my children to be a part of political discussions; we are focusing on gratitude and family. If it comes up and the boundaries are disrespected, we will leave.”
And have a hotel ready.
You could also consider either going for a day or simply not going at all.
Life is too short to spend time with people who don’t respect your boundaries and, most importantly, don’t care about what the children are subjected to.
Q: My sister’s son is extremely disrespectful in my home. He walks on furniture, throws food, grinds chocolate into rugs, and is fresh, rude and mean to my kids. I discipline as best as I can for someone else’s child (i.e., “if we don’t like the candy, we throw it in the trash, not the floor or carpet”). But it does nothing to change his behavior. Thanksgiving was a nightmare. How do I tactfully bring this up? It’s gone on too long.
A: When I read there was chocolate ground into a rug, my jaw dropped. How old is this child? If he is 3, that’s one thing. If he is 9, that’s another.
And does he have any needs that aren’t being met with proper supervision?
Let your sister know that there was some “rudeness and food messiness” over Thanksgiving and that you are going to sit everyone down for some rules. That means all the kids get the rules, and when the rules are broken, there is a consequence for all of them.
I am trying to help you avoid lasering in on your nephew. Being called out as the problem doesn’t tend to go well, so make “rules for all” and let your sister know that if he cannot abide, he will have to stay by her side all night.
These boundaries may not go over well, but give it a try. Be as kind and firm as possible.
Oh, and roll up your rugs, and don’t give the kids any food except for in one room — and monitor it.
Q: My kids (7 and 9) have two weeks of Christmas break coming, and it’s creeping up on me fast! I’m lucky because I will be able to work from home during that time, and I will have days off for Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day, along with the weekends. But what can I do to make sure my kids don’t turn into glassy-eyed TV monsters? I want to plan activities, but I know realistically that I’m going to be pretty busy and unable to directly be involved with them all day. Any ideas?
A: 1. Google activity ideas and get the supplies sent to your house, stat.
2. Create play dates with friends and neighbors.
3. Can they stay with some family for a night or two?
4. Figure out your own schedule so you can make proper plans. For instance, everyone goes to an indoor pool all morning and plays video games while you work in the afternoon, etc.
5. Make a list of movies that they want to see, and get through them!
6. Do the best you can, and don’t feel guilty.
Find this over on The Washington Post.
Looking for more parenting support? Click here.