teen boy give up

Q: Can you teach a young teen how to keep at something, even if it’s “boring” or “hard”? My 13-year-old eighth-grade boy gives up at the first sign of adversity — with everything. That was the case before the pandemic, but more so now. He does this even with activities he’s naturally talented at: basketball, baseball, etc. He constantly finds excuses to not try, and it’s really frustrating and draining. He even does this with something like reading books; he’ll skim and say he’s done after two minutes — and have missed most of it. He’s about to start high school, and this has been an ongoing struggle for years. I’m wishing I was better at finding ways to encourage him without him getting upset or me getting frustrated.

A: “Can you teach a young teen how to keep at something, even if it’s ‘boring’ or ‘hard’?” I badly want to give you an enthusiastic yes, but that would be a bit of a lie. Like everything in life, the answer is unsatisfactory, because, well, it depends.

Facing difficult emotions, such as the pain of failure and the fear of trying something new (or even old), is a teachable skill. We can expose ourselves to hard things, over and over, and if we’re gently nudged and lovingly supported, we can grow to tolerate these hard feelings — and even thrive past them. I recently found myself as a passenger with a dear friend who was petrified to drive over a huge bridge in her convertible. She asked: “Should I do it?” I said: “Yes, I believe in you!” She didn’t speak much, but we breathed and listened to music, and she did it. Her brain now knows she can do that task; tolerating that hard emotion grew her resilience, and she now will probably do it again.

But it’s not the same with a young teen, is it?

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